TTC Sucks
(April 4, 2004)

In order to recover from my last misadventure, Ham decided to give me the plump assignment of covering the TTC's 50th anniversary party of the subway in the Grand Hall of the historic Union Train Station in Toronto.  After all Ham was one the causes of my last episode and I think, deep down, he knew it.

To my many fellow fans who live outside of Toronto the TTC stands for the Toronto Transit Commission which is in charge of all public transportation (bus, streetcar and subway) for the city.  I can't remember the official stats because it seems to change depending on who is reciting the stats.  For example the TTC states something like a million people use it a day while government officials seem to quote a lower number.  Personally I have no idea.

The party kicked off last Tuesday at 10:30 AM.  I woke up nice and early (about nine o'clock), ate a muffin and a glass of orange juice while watching TV.  That darn Regis is so delightful to watch because before I knew it, it was 9:30.  This caused a problem as my initial plan was to leave at 9:30.  There was no time for a shower, so I quickly dressed and ran to the bus stop.  Unfortunately my stupid bus took 15 minutes to arrive causing me much unneeded stress.

The bus ride down to the subway station seemed to take forever.  I bet we stopped at every single bus stop and every single stop light on the 15 minute drive down.  It reminded me of the time I had to go pee while waiting at the subway station for the bus home.  That painful time seemed to take forever to return me to my cozy IKEA decorated bathroom.

Upon arriving at the subway station, I ran down the steps underground to the subway platform.  Luckily for me, the train entered the station immediately upon my arrival.  The train seemed moderately full for a Tuesday morning after rush hour, as there were no seats left for me.  Usually a gentleman will give up his seat for me but this was not the case that day (the possible reason could  be my lack of a shower).  I gracefully stood in the car waiting for the traditional "Bee, Boo, Bin" alarm warning that the doors were about to close but it never came.  The train doors remained eerily opened and the train remained motionless.

In my mind I could feel the seconds until the ceremonies' commencement to evaporate.  It felt like five minutes had past (in reality probably about one) before a TTC female voice came over the speaker.

"We are experiencing a delay on the Bloor Danforth line at the Argyle station.  Emergency crews have been dispatched."

An echo boom of a moan, soared through the car.  Shortly after another TTC voice, this time a man's voice came over the speaker and said the exact same thing as the female voice.  Four to five minutes passed and still we hadn't left the station.  The female voice spoke again, repeating her earlier speech.  The male voice spoke about a minute after with his second sentenced slightly altered.

"... Emergency crews have been dispatched and will be at the scene shortly."

Well is the emergency crew at the scene or not?  How could the TTC not know the answer?  More important at that moment was why did the TTC hiring such annoying voices to announce news?  Surely there is someone out there with a better voice?  

Stupid TTC.

A lot of my friends complain bitterly about the TTC.  Mainly how much it sucks.  I've always defended it, giving it the benefit of the doubt until this past winter when it left a human popsicle a few times.  Someone can only wait out in the cold for a late bus for so long before they turn cold - and bitter.  Since winter, I've been sitting on the fence as to whether the TTC is any good at all.

I had been in the car for 10 minutes total before the train conductor's voice came over the speaker.

"This train is now out of service.  Please vacate the cars at once."

Another moan from the car as everyone stood up and left.  We were crammed onto the platform like sardines while waiting for the next train.  I overheard a conversation while the female TTC voice repeated herself yet again.

"The conductor's shift must be over.  That's why they dumped us off here."

Another five minutes passed before a train arrived.  It slowly came into the station beeping its horn which only meant one thing: it was out of service.  The crowd on the platform was not impressed and were slowly turning into a mob.  Again the female TTC voice repeated herself.  An angry old woman yelled at the speaker, hoping her bellowing voice would be heard through the speaker.

"Happy Birthday TTC!  May you continue to drop the ball for the next 50 years!  50 years of incompetence!"

Finally a train arrived.  Unfortunately it was just as full as my first train I had waited in.  Everyone on the platform realized it would be a tight fit.  Since nobody wanted to be left wanting on the platform for the next train (who knew when that would be) everyone jammed onto the train.  It was a tight fit but after 20 minutes I was finally able to leave the station.

By the time I arrived at the birthday party it was practically over.  I missed the Mayor's and the Premier's speeches.  I missed all the cameras, microphones and media darlings.  All that was left was free birthday cake.  Not even the sweetness of a stale cake could remove the taste of bitterness from my mouth.

When I go to the subway's 60th anniversary party, I'll make sure to take a cab to the ceremonies.  That way I'll get there on time.