Abercrombie + Fitch
(July 6, 2009)

I must admit that I’m not a big fanatic of malls. The crowded sales racks, the lack of salespeople in the store, and the minimum wage kids pretending to be fashion connoisseurs with their “made in China” labels.

Malls, I’ve so evolved from you. Boutiques you are my new fancy. The entire store dedicated to me with one clerk waiting on my every hand and foot. Now that’s the life. Plus, unlike malls, with a boutique purchase I know that I am buying a one-of-a-kind. Boutiques, you make me fearless upon arriving at a dinner party because I know no one has the same outfit as me.

However one night at coffee with my niece I commented on her very cool looking hoodie. Upon inquiry, she told me she bought it at some Abercrombie and Fitch, apparently a cool trendy store in the mall.

“In the mall, eh?”
“Are you going to buy one Auntie Suzy?”
“I think I may. I think I just might.”
“Cool, then we’ll be twins!”
“Urgh.”

The next day I arrived at the mall ready to purchase my Abercrombie and Fitch hoodie. I dodged the tourists and meandered through the floods of loitering youngsters until I reached the famed store.

It was not the look of a typical mall store. First, there were only two windows and neither window had much clothing on display. Second, there was only one small entrance, the width of a saloon door. The inside appeared dark, reminiscent of an underager night club.

It was time for me, Suzy TooToo to re-enter the world of mall shopping. I took a deep breath and walked towards the Abercrombie and Fitch entrance. Before I could place a foot inside the exclusive trendy store, I was stopped by a tall young kid.

“I’m flattered but you are a little too young for me. I’m not as young as I look.”
“You’re not 40?” he replied with a smirk.

40! This was an outrage. Who did this little punk think he was talking to? Cheryl Hickey? Before he could receive my tongue lashing response he spoke.
“End of the line, ma’am.”

My eyes followed his finger. Sure enough there was a waiting line of youngsters along the front of the store. Each of my future line waiters had shopping bags in their right hand and cell phones in their left. The line lead to a little roped area which my insulter guarded with delight – chatting with the ladies in line.

“Can’t I just take a number and sit in the lounge chairs over there?”
“Yo, this here is Abercrombie and Fitch, not no butcher shop. Besides those lounge chairs over there is where the parents sit.”
“I wasn’t sure, with the way you butchered the English language!”

I held up my hand for a high-five but it was not to be. Actually the guy didn’t even hear me for he was flirting with the first girl in line.

I moped to the end of the line and waited. After much patience, it was finally my turn. The bouncer lifted the rope and I stepped into the much famed Abercrombie and Fitch ready to shop.

My instincts were correct as the inside did indeed have the aura of a dance club. The music thumping in the background, made me glance for a dance floor. As a joke I asked an employee “which way to the bar?” – only to be ignored.

After waiting for my eyes to adjust to the dark and much searching, I found the hoodie but alas not in my size. I unsuccessfully tried to track down an employee. Oh how I missed the pampering that only an ultra chic boutique can give you. Fed up, I decided to take matters into my own hands... literally. At first sight of an employee, I would grab the employee by the belt and pull them to me.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a sales guy running near me. Without hesitation, I reached for his belt, then a quick tug – much like catching a fish.

“Ow! What are you doing? Sexual assault! Sexual assault!”

Astonished at my fish’s words, my eyes followed my arm to my hand gripping the fish’s belt. To my horror, I had not grabbed the fish’s belt but rather his elastic waist band of his Abercrombie and Fitch boxer shorts.

“Ahh!!!” I screamed as I released his underwear from my clutches.

The music stopped and everyone stared as the staff encircled me. The oldest staff member spoke up.

“So, like what do you think you are like doing?”
“I was just trying to grab a sales person.”
“By his underwear?”
“No, by his belt. How was I suppose to know he wore his pants halfway down his bum? I grabbed for the waist – where the belt should be.”
“Pants around the waist? That’s so last century.”

The manager believed my story for I was gently (but quickly) escorted from the store. No charges or purchases would be laid.

Shell shocked from my Abercrombie and Fitch nightmare, I sat among the parents in the lounge chairs.

“I see you survived.” A mom said to me.
“Yeah, barely but I didn’t get the hoodie. And now I’m banned from the store.”
“Join the club.”
“You’re banned too?”
“All of us here in the lounge chairs are banned.”

“You’re children banned you from entering the store?”
“Children? We don’t have children. No we were banned from the store – just like you.”

“You pulled a guy’s boxers?”
“What? Well, no, maybe not like yourself but we too are banned.”

“But the bouncer told me the lounge chairs were reserved for parents of the customers.”
“No! People who shop in Abercrombie and Fitch don’t come to malls with their parents. They come with their cool aunts.”
“You mean, all of you are aunts?”

The cool aunts nodded in agreement.

“So where are your nieces then?”
“In line. They’re waiting to buy us Abercrombie and Fitch hoodies. Where else would they be?”

“They are buying the hoodies for you? Like you’re own personal shoppers! Ingenious!”
“Exactly.”

The aunt reached into her picnic basket.
“Say, do you want a raspberry muffin?”

“Eating raspberry muffins in a mall lounge chair – do I dare live the fantasy? Yes. But first I need to make a phone call.”
“To your niece?”

“Exactly. Eating raspberry muffins in a lounge chair at the mall is a fantasy but doing it while your personal shopper is shopping is the ultimate fantasy!”