The Act-Off
(August 30, 2007)

“Suzy, I’m worried about you. Ever since you met Rachel McAdams at the bus stop in Vancouver, all you talk about is Rachel McAdams. Rachel McAdams this, Rachel McAdams that.”

“That’s not true. I don’t think I talk about Rachel McAdams that much.”
“Yeah, you do. I think you are a bit obsessed with her.”
“No I am not. Rachel McAdams and I are just good friends – that’s all.”
“Prove you are not obsessed. Say a sentence without the words ‘Rachel McAdams’.”

“I can say a sentence without talking about Rachel McAdams…”
“You just failed.”
“Look, I can go one sentence without saying Rachel McAdams. It is just that Rachel McAdams and I are such good friends.”

“You just said her name twice.”
“Who – Rachel McAdams?”
“Oh Suzy, the first step is to admit you have a problem.”

Maybe I did have a problem with Rachel McAdams. Maybe I did talk about her a tad too much – just like in Mean Girls where Rachel McAdams was too… oh, there I go again. I wonder if Rachel McAdams talks about me this much. Probably – I mean who does not talk about me too much?

“You may be right Ham, I might have a problem with Rachel McAdams. But as much as I talk about Rachel McAdams, you talk about Natalie Portman more.”

“It’s different.”
“How is my Rachel McAdams talking different than your Natalie Portman talking?”
“Well first, we are a couple and second… she’s a better actress.”

I was stunned at this wild factoid.

“Did you not see Rachel McAdams in Wedding Crashers?”
“Did you not see V for Vendetta? Closer? Mars Attacks? Beautiful Girls? SNL on March 4, 2006? The Star Wars movies?”
“No, I don’t watch movies that suck – that’s why I only watch Rachel McAdams movies.”

We had each dug our trench. It was to be a long battle. Sensing the stalemate, Ham proposed an idea.

“Suzy, there is only one way to settle this – An Act-Off.”
“You’re on, I’ll call R-Mac right now!”
“Suzy, calling McAdams R-Mac is still saying Rachel McAdams in a sentence.”
“Oh yeah? Well I hope when Rachel McAdams attends the Act-Off she goes Red Eye on your sorry poop-filled bum.”

A few phone calls later – it was agreed – an Act-Off would take place. There was one minor change to the plan. Instead of being an Act-Off to settle the score between Ham and I – it would be an Act-Off for charity.

Surprisingly with only a little marketing, the theatre sold out.

Ham and I being organisers had a front row seat. Natalie and Rachel were on stage sitting on stools. Beside each of them were a small table and a pitcher of water.

As part of the agreement, Ham and I recruited my star power friend Cheryl Hickey to be MC for the evening.

Cheryl strutted on stage over dressed in an evening gown. The ET Canada theme music filled the theatre.

“Good evening Canada. I am your host Cheryl Hickey of ET Canada and welcome to the inaugural Act-Off. Before we begin, let us meet our contestants.

She walked to Rachel McAdams’ stool.

“Everybody, Rachel McAdams.”
There was a huge cheer.
“R-Mac is in the House!”
“Suzy! Shut up!” Ham whispered to me.

“Yes, R-Mac? Rachel, most important question first – what are you wearing tonight?”
“Blue jeans and a blouse.”
“Fabulous. And who are the designers?”
“Umm… I don’t know – but I bought them at Winners.”
“Fabulous!”
“And do we hear wedding bells in the future?”
“No, not yet.”
“’Not yet’, then you are thinking about it. An ET Canada exclusive – Rachel McAdams is considering marriage – only on ET Canada.”

“And your charity – the future Mrs. Gosling.”
“I’m playing for “Baby Elephants whose Circus Fathers are Killed by Trains Charity.”
“Good for you. Thinking of the Baby Elephants.”

Cheryl Hickey turned to Natalie Portman.

“Welcome Natalie.”
There was an incredible loud cheer from the crowd. I turned to see the cause of the excitement.

“Who are the guys in the bathrobes?”
“Jedi Knights.” Ham replied.
“How did they know about the Act-Off?”
“I told them.”
“Why?”
“Suzy, you didn’t really think I’d let Natalie be in an Act-Off without having her fan base in the crowd? Suzy, did you not stack the audience with McAdams fans? By that dumb look I’m guessing no.”

Ham began to laugh.
“And Natalie is that a baby bump I see?”

Upon Cheryl Hickey’s proclamation, a massive thud could be heard from the first row. It was Ham falling to the ground. He just lay there in the fettle position, shaking back and forth.

“Nice one Jedi Master. Glad to see the Jedi Master hovering in the fettle position upon hearing discussion of fatherhood.”

Natalie spoke up.
“No it’s not a baby bump, it’s only a baggy sweatshirt. And if possible could someone please give my boyfriend a glass of water? Why does he keep doing that?”

“Ooo, I see you are wearing a hoodie – such a trend setter. And where did you get it?”
“Well, it’s says Harvard on the front so Harvard I guess.”
“Smashing.”

Cheryl Hickey explained the rules of the Act-Off. Each actor would be given famous movie lines to recite. The person whose recitation receives the loudest applause will win the Act-Off. Unbeknown to Cheryl Hickey and the audience, Ham and I had composed the list of recitations.

“Natalie your first line is from the movie Sunset Blvd – “I am big. It's the pictures that got small!”

I laughed at hearing Natalie recite this (am I not so clever?). I poked the fellow on my right.
“That’s art reflecting life huh buddy?”
“Petty is not a trait for a Jedi.”

Ham had followed my example.
“From National Lampoon’s Van Wilder…”
“Are you stalking me? Cause that would be super!”

“What we have here, is a failure to communicate!”
“You want the People’s love but on your terms.”
“That’s so fetch!”
“Oh, you old poop!”
“This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
“Frankly my Ham, I don’t give a… umm- I think this is a misquote.”

“Nice try Suzy.” Ham motioned to me.

The Act-Off continued late into the night. Finally, it was time to announce the winner.

“And the winner of the inaugural act-off, hosted by me, Cheryl Hickey of ET Canada is… Natalie Portman!”

The theatre erupted in cheers.

“I guess we know who the better actress is, don’t we?”
“No we don’t because you rigged the contest. If I was 10 years younger, I’d take a flame-thrower to World of Ham!”

“What are you trying to say Suzy?”
“You know what I’m trying to say. What more do you want from me?”

“I want the TRUTH!”
“You can’t handle the truth! I stand here organiser of a fundraiser and you and your Jedi robe friends mock me. Truth? Deep down inside places you haven’t been to in years, you know I’m right. I use words like Act-Off, celebrity and Charity and you use them as punchlines! Either way I don’t give a Jack Nicholson what you think are you entitled to!”

“Suzy did you issue the code red?”
“You’re darn right I did! No wait, No.”

Again the applause flooded the theatre but this time it was not for a two bit actor or the great Rachel McAdams – it was for me, Suzy TooToo – Queen of the Act-Off.

Natalie motioned to Ham who spoke.
“Everyone your applause has spoken. This year’s winner of the Act-Off is Suzy TooToo! A few words Suzy?”

Stunned but still upset, I began my acceptance speech.
“Some of you may think I have gotten a bad break, working for Ham and all. And you are right. If someone would pierce his wallet with a lawndart so that I could get back my deposit for renting this theatre – I’d consider myself the luckiest person on the face of the earth!”