Alfonzo Cheepilini
(August 28, 2006)

"Paint my socks red - that guy is running into traffic!"

I heard the granny scream these words, then heard the screech of tires, followed by a lot of horn honking and a tap on my shoulder.

“Excuse me?” the stranger said to me as he keeled over to catch his breath.
“Yes?”
“Here!”

He reached into his briefcase and handed me an envelope which I read its enclosed document.
“Oh no.”
“That’s right – you’ve been subpoenaed!”
“Yet again?”

I was no stranger to subpoenaes since I met Alfonzo Cheepilini. After that fateful night, I am always summoned to testify as a character witness against him in all of his lawsuits.

The first time I met Alfonzo was when Ham arranged him as my blind date. I would never let Ham set me up but he always talked so highly of the mysterious Alfonzo. By the end of the date, it was obviously why Ham admired the man. It was not the moral characteristics of the man but rather Alfonzo’s ability to expand his bottom line. This became quite evident the moment I realised he had skipped out of the dinner bill. From that moment onward, I called Alfonzo Cheepilini – Al Cheapo.

Because I have attende so many lawsuits to testify against Al Cheapo, I didn’t even bother to read who was suing him. From a quick chat with Ham, the only knew the backstory of the lawsuit. Apparently Al Cheapo had wagered his kidney during an anchor wheel gambling game. Of course, he lost. A year later the plaintiff appeared on his doorstep to collect the kidney. However by this time Al Cheapo had given his kidney to his ailing brother (no doubt for a small favour or fee) thus he could not pay his debt. The plaintiff did not care.

It wasn’t until I was called into the courthouse to testify that I learned the identity of the plaintiff.

“Your honour, ye be I says Suzy TooToo walk the plank to this here stand!”

That voice, that horrible grammar, that pegleg! – it cold only be one person – my nemesis the French Canadian pirate of the Gros Mustachos himself – Le Grand Orange! He was the one suing Al Cheapo.

As I walked beyond Le Grand Orange, he said
“Aye, Suzy TooToo, you and I on the crew of Madame Justice. Not any of the parrots aboard me ship would have it have thought.”

“Objection your honour!” Al Cheapo yelled.
“On what grounds?”
“Conspiring to conspire.”
“Over-ruled.”

I sat in the witness box with an upset tummy. What was I to do? My choices were to help Le Grand Orange or Al Cheapo – it was like choosing between two married retarded monkeys.

“Your witness plaintiff.”
“Many sea bearing thanks your honour. Arye, Suzy TooToo, do ye know this man see y’er?”
“Yes Alfonzo Cheepilini.”
“Arye, and what ye call him says I?”
“Al.”
“And the surname Mlle?”
“Cheapo.”
“Al Cheapo it be?”
“Yes.”
“For all the gold in the harbour - why?”

I explained the story of the blind date thus aiding my nemesis to destroy the character of Ham’s mentor.

“Overboard with her says I. I’m through with this y’er mate.”
“A cross Mr. Cheepilini?”

In every other lawsuit, Al had never questioned me. After all, why would you want someone going into detail as to how you stuck a very pretty girl with the bill on a blind date. However, this time was different.

“Yes your honour.”
“On the night of the blind date, what did we talk about?”

I noticed that Le Grand Orange’s pegleg was wiggling with curiosity. No doubt, like me, he was surprised with the questioning.

“Arye, objection your honour. Relevance.”
“Your honour, I ask the court for a little leniency.”
“I’ll over-rule it but be forewarned Mr. Cheepilini – you are on a short leash.”

“Suzy what did we talk about?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Miss TooToo, didn’t we talk about your latest misadventure?”
“Hey - that’s right we did.”
“And please if you would, tell the court that misadventure.”

I told the story of my thwarting of a super villain’s plan to monopolise the city pickle market by stealing every cucumber in the GTA. There was a hush in the crowd due to the pure evilness of the thwarted plan.

“And Miss TooToo who was the protagonist of the story?”
“Him - Le Grand Orange.”

I pointed to the pirate.
“Shimmer me timbers!” Le Grand Orange shouted as he crumpled his closing argument.

“Your honour in light of this new evidence, that the plaintiff is no other than the Le Grand Orange, head of the evil pirate clan, The Gros Mustachos, I ask that all charges be dropped.”
“Your honour, me past bearing not for this case says me.”
“Your honour if that is true for him it is true for me. Therefore I want Miss TooToo’s testimony stricken from the record, so help me God!”

“Gentleman, and I use that term loosely, this case has gone on long enough. Initially I let the case live this long because it was a welcomed relief from all the murders and other terrorism I have to precide over on a daily basis.”
“But ye honour!”

“Let me be frank plantiff. You can’t sue someone because they did not live up to the contract if by living up to the contact they would be breaking the law. It is illegal to sell human organs so Mr. Cheepilini can not fulfil his contractual obligations legally.”

“Aye, a visit to Davy Jones Locker for Al Cheapo.”

“Mr. Orange! Did I just hear a death threat in my courtroom?”
“Arye, no your honour. Just planning a trip for Al Cheapo.”
“There will be no trip planning in my courtroom!”
“Arye, your honour, no can be says me. Set sails for the Supreme Court!”

“There is no appeal process. The fact that it went this far is going to get a clerk fired. This case should never have reached my courtroom.”

“Arye, Cheapo, stand still for ye to get my kidney!”
Le Grand Orange pulled his sword.

“Le Grand Orange! Put that sword down - now! Bailiff – how did he get a sword in here? Never mind. Remove it.”

“Arye Madame Justice, a kidney ye want, a kidney ye have.”
“Mr. Cheepilini you are protected here in this courtroom but I highly suggest you find the plaintiff a kidney.”
“Arye, I don’t want no kidney bean ever! I want a kidney good for a sea faring man.”

“I’ve had enough. This case is closed.”

A few weeks later while shopping for Ham’s annual Thanksgiving Potluck I saw Al Cheapo at the grocery store.

“Are you shopping for Ham’s dinner as well?”
“No Suzy, I’m eating mine.”

Sure enough, Al Cheapo was wondering around the grocery store eating the food so that he wouldn’t have to buy it. This was a new low even for him.

I asked him about his status with the Le Grand Orange.
“Oh that worked out great. I broke into the stockyards and retrieved a pig’s kidney.”
“Gross!”
“If by gross you mean clever than you are exactly right.”
“I don’t understand.”
“The judge told me to give Le Grand Orange a functioning kidney for a human. It just so happens that many kidney transplants actually use a pig’s kidney.”

“So what are your next plans?”
“We’ll I was thinking about what happened in that courtroom.”
“You mean you are going to revise your ways?”
“No, I’m going to perfect that pickle monopoly.”