Ballet
(March 22, 2004)
Warning: This misadventure may not be suitable for my younger fans

The Friday after I filed my Bertuzzi story (to read it see the menu above), Ham called me up around supper time.  This was quite odd as I knew Ham's girlfriend Natalie was up for the weekend. 

"Suzy, I just wanted to say thank you for asking my question at the Todd Bertuzzi press conference."

"Thank you Ham."  I could tell from his tone that Natalie must have been beside him.  His tone always changes when Natalie is around.

"To show my appreciation, I managed to get two tickets to the ballet tonight and I want you to have them.  I know how much you want to see the ballet."

Natalie must have been right beside him as he seemed so pleasant, so giving.  It was true that I had always wanted to see a ballet but every time I was about to go, something would happen that I wouldn't be able to attend.  One time was the famed "2003 Toronto Blackout" but most were simply working late.

"I would love to go with you and Natalie.  I'll need to find someone..."

"Oh, Natalie and I aren't going.  It's for you and a guest."

"Um, okay."  We arranged for me to stop by his apartment to pick up the tickets.  I took out my trusty pink cell phone and called all our friends.  First I started with my friends who I thought would enjoy the ballet.  When they all said no, I called all my friends who I felt like hanging out with.  When they all said no, I called everyone else (friend, foe, former boyfriends, friends turned into foes, etc) who was programmed into my cell phone.  They all said no.  I could understand if they didn't want to buy a ticket to the ballet but this wasn't the case.  No one wanted to hang out me, Suzy TooToo!  How quickly they turn into foes.

I was not going to let a little thing like "every person I know did not want to go with me" stop me from finally going to the ballet.  I arrived at Ham's apartment and he answered the door.

"Come on in Suzy, let me get the tickets for you."

I walked in to see Natalie snuggled under a blanket on the couch reading the Globe and Mail.  We both glared at each other.  Natalie had never forgiven me for accidentally mistaking her for Ham's old girlfriend Kiera.  I knew Ham felt bad about it, as did I, but Natalie had a point.  I shouldn't have mentioned that Kiera was a better actor than her (I was trying to compliment Kiera and besides - they look so much alike).

Ham, sensing the awkwardness, of the situation said "Natalie, you remember Suzy?".  We exchanged hellos from a distance.

"Here you go Suzy, two tickets to the ballet for tonight."

"Oh I only need one."  I explained my lonely situation.

"Hmm...  why don't you just scalp the ticket at the door."

"Is that legal?"

"I don't think so but it's one of those laws that the police never enforce.  You know like jaywalking.  I don't know anyone who has ever been busted for jaywalking."

"I don't know about this one, after the tickle trunk, England and all."

"Don't worry they don't bust Canadian Cultural Events like ballets.  There's dying for people to attend.  As long as you don't sell the ticket for more than the face value, you are okay."

Natalie sat up.

"Oh my Ham, Franjesca Donnitelli is giving her last performance of all time tonight.  Suzy, you're going to get a lot of money for that ticket."

Ham and I both ask simultaneously "Who is Franjesca Donnitelli?"

"Why it says here that she's Canada's greatest ballet dancer of all time.  Neither of you have heard of her?"

"You see Suzy, that's what they won't bust you for scalping.  They want people to know who Franjesca-whatever is."

He held up the extra ticket.

"You say I never give you any money for your efforts.  Well here you go, you could probably sell this ticket for over $100."

I took the extra ticket from him.

"Now the key to scalping is to not to say 'whose needs a ticket?' but rather 'are you selling?' it's the code of the scalper."

"Like a secret password or something?"

Ham agreed.  I exchanged a cold good-bye with Natalie and thanked Ham for the tickets.  I went down to the Hummingbird Theatre to begin my life of crime.  

In my early years, the theatre was called the O'Keefe Centre which I always found odd.  How can a beer company sponsor a cultural event?  Maybe a wine company but I always pictured beer companies sponsoring events attended by twenty-something guys, like a sporting event or rock concert.

That day was one of the first days of spring but by nightfall, it again felt like winter.  I was dressed in my pink turtleneck, wool skirt, nylons, pink running shoes covered by my winter coat and matching mittens.  Completing my outfit was my purple tam.  I stood out front of the theatre, hands in my pockets, watching for potential buyers as well as watching my breath.  As limo upon limo arrived, I realised scalping a ballet ticket would be a challenge.

Finally a person walked towards me who I thought might be interested in the ticket.

"Excuse me Miss."

"Yes."

"Are you selling?"

"What?"

"Are you selling?"

"Why, I've never..."  She walked away.

I tried this technique a few times, sometimes in a shy girl way, sometimes in a flirtatious way, sometimes in a snobbish accent but it always resulted in the same horrified looks.  Ham's system simply did not work.  I decided to ditch it and to try my own techniques.

A cute boy (about 30 years old) was walking along the sidewalk.  He looked up at me a few times and we made eye contact.  I decided this would be the a great time to try my scalping technique.  I walked up to him.

"Are you buying?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you buying?" I flashed my eyebrows a few times to get his attention.

"Why are you selling?"

"Yep."

"Who much?" I reeled him in.  I thought it best to start high and settle for something lower.  I thought of Ham's suggestion.

"For you, $100."

"For how long?"

"Oh, I guess about two and a half hours."

"For just $100?"

Rats, I could have gotten more.

"Yeah, I guess so.  I'm sort of new at this so I thought $100 was quite high.  Next time I'll know to ask for more."

There was an awkward pause.

"So can I have my money now please?"

The cute boy smiled and opened his coat to get, what I thought was his wallet.  Instead he pulled out a police badge.

"Miss you're under arrest for solicitation."

He started to read me my rights as he handcuffed me.  A police car pulled into the theatre behind a few limos.

"This is insane.  I'm not a prostitute.  Look at me.  Prostitutes don't wear matching shoes and mittens, and I know it's a known fact that prostitutes don't wear tams that were made in Paris, France."

He put his hand on my tam to help me into the back seat of the police car. 

"I was trying to scalp a ballet ticket.  That's all.  Look in my coat pocket you'll find the ticket."

"Miss, that's what all you prostitutes say.  Ballet ticket scalping in the number one cover for prostitution in the city."

Back at the police station, I used my one phone call to once again call Ham.  He came, along with Natalie, to explain the situation to the police.  After countless hours of explanation by Ham and autograph signing by Natalie, the charges were dropped and I was free to go.

What a horrible evening.  Nobody I knew would hang out with me for the night.  I suck as  a saleswoman as I couldn't sell a ballet ticket.  Ham had to save me once again.  I owe Natalie a favour for helping to save me.  I was charged with prostitution.  My nice pink tam was ruined by some gang member in my cell.  I had to spend my time in jail, repelling the advances of my cell mates (after all I am very cute). 

But the worse part of the evening was that I once again did not get to see the ballet.