Beijing Olympics
(November 10, 2008)

After the last Olympics where i forced to watch from the comforts of my own home - Ham finally ponied up the money to send me to an Olympics.

At the Beijing Olympics, I witnessed that Phelps guy win a bunch of gold medals. I saw that Lightning Bolt guy jog to World Records. But my favourite part of the Beijing Olympics was the Opening Ceremonies – in particular that cute little girl with the pigtails singing.

Imagine my disappointment when a few days after the Opening Ceremonies it was discovered that the cute little singer was not actually the singer. She was lip synching a pre-recorded song by a little girl who was deemed “too ugly” by Chinese officials!

A few more days later, while inside the media tent with fellow Canadian celebrities Ben and Cheryl, I was still fuming. Ben tried to simmer my fumes.

“Don’t worry Suzy. China will fix this. They don’t want to be known as the country that barred the little ugly girl from singing. You watch, she’ll sing at the Closing Ceremonies.”

This seemed logical so I spent the remainder of the week following Canadian Kayak Hottie – Adam van Koeverden around Beijing – waiting for him to take off his shirt.

Finally the last day of the Olympics. I sat beside Ben in the Bird’s Nest (aka the Olympic stadium) to watch the Closing Ceremonies. To my shock, the little ugly girl did not sing. She was not even part of the ceremony!

Outraged, I decided to do something. Ben grabbed me before I could jump into the Communist Party private box (If everyone is treated the same in a communist country, why do they have private boxes?).

“Suzy, beating up the Communist Party is not the answer.”
“Then what is the answer smarty pants?”

Ben told me his plan.

“Suzy, the little ugly girl needs to be seen doing a live performance. What better way than to be on my television show! We’re broadcast in 7 countries around the world.”
“Seven?”
“Okay, six technically but I still think Greenland should count as a country. It’s not really Denmark.”

“And how do you suppose we get the little ugly girl to Canada?”
“Tomorrow, I’ll ask the network executives to pay for her to visit the set.”

Within a day the network executives had agreed. The final piece of the little ugly girl puzzle was the rubber stamp of the Chinese officials. With a few strings pulled (a network executive knew a guy who knew a guy who shelved a Free Tibet story) we had our meeting.

At the meeting, Ben presented his plan. Surprisingly the communists were keeners. They thought it would be a great method to build China’s public image in Canada.

The head communist motioned to the guard who left the meeting and returned with a little girl.

To our shock, it was not the little ugly girl who had been robbed of Olympic glory (like my friend Joanne Malar) but rather the little pretty girl with pigtails.

“Here’s the little girl. She will be a star on your television show in Canada.”

This is when I, Suzy TooToo went bad cop on the communists.

“You listen here. We came here for the little ugly girl and we ain’t leaving until we get the little ugly girl! Do you hear me?”

Ben went good cop.
“Or at least let us talk to her.”

“You can talk to the girl on one condition – she must lower her fists.”
I lowered my dukes.

The guard returned with the little ugly girl. It was our first real look at the girl.
“Ouch.”
“Oh my.”

“Now Yang, these two people would like to take you to Canada to be on a television show. Do you understand?”

The little ugly girl nodded.

“So Yang do you want to go with them?”
“Yes comrade, very much.”

The leader turned to us.
“I’m sorry she can’t go.”
“Why?”
“She is now scheduled for one year of re-education.”

As the little ugly girl was whisked away, she turned to me. I could tell in her little ugly eyes that she was sad – that she did want to come to Canada.

It was now my turn for a plan. As we left the communist compound, I divulged it to Ben.
“We’ll simply smuggle her out of the country.”
“And how do we do that?”
“Like everyone else – we go down to the shipping docks. To the Freighters!”

A bicycle-taxi later we arrived at the shipping docks.
“Where do we start?”
“Well Ben, we need a freighter that is going to Canada.”
“And one that is fast. My show’s season finale is soon so it can’t be one of those six week schedules.”
“Right, and it needs to get through customs without much hassle.”
“So it can’t be a little independent boat. We need something that has political pull. Something that if stopped would disrupt the economy.”
“So a fast, politically powerful freighter going to Canada. Why that shouldn’t be so hard…”

“There!” I pointed.
“Suzy, you genius.”

I had pointed to the Wal-Mart shipping dock.
Another bicycle taxi later, we found ourselves at the Wal-Mart pier.
“Now what?”

Before I could answer, we were approached by a Chinese longshoreman. Over his heavy coat, he was wearing a blue vest with a giant yellow happy face on its back. On the front of the blue vest was a red and white name tag with the words “We will work for you. Always.”

“Smuggling?”
“Smuggler?”
All three of us nodded.

“Olympic souvenirs?”
We made no reply.

“Child?”
All three of us nodded.

“Male? No Male. Female only.”
“Female.”

“Follow me.”

We followed the man onto the Wal-Mart freighter. We travelled down a few flights of stairs, then through a secret trap door. Once inside the secret room, the man turned on a light.

“Okay, I’ll give you the tour. We have many different selections here at the Wal-Mart smuggling centre. What are your constraints?”

“Your English – it’s really good.”
“Yes, well I did grow up in Vancouver. You didn’t assume because I look Chinese that I grew up in China did you?”

“Good point.”
“So, as I was saying, what is it you need.”
“We need a direct sail for Canada. No stops. We need our friend there fast. And no Canadian customs questions.”

“You’ve come to the right ship. Here at the Wal-Mart Smuggling Centre, we can deliver – literally. Now you have two choices.”

He pointed to a cargo container.

“Here is the comfort class. There’s your basic processed food and a pan/toilet in the middle. Now this is comfort class so your friend will be sharing it with 19 other people.”

“Anything else?”

“I can see you care about your friend so let me show you the suite.”

Again we directed us to a cargo container.

“This one has the processed food but it also has a port-o-potty and an I-pod docking station. Plus it seats only four. Your friend will be smuggled in luxury my friends.”
He banged on the container wall.
“This one is a steal at $10 000.”

“$10 000!”
My original plan was for Ham to wire me the smuggling fee but even Ham with all his cheapness didn’t have $10 000 sitting around. And since we were technically committing a crime, the network executives would not be able to help us.

“Not a problem Suzy. I can get us the money.” said Ben.
“How?”
“My father. He has bank accounts stashed all over the world. It’s from his years of consulting fees.”

The ship was setting sail that night.
“Bring your friend here for 7 PM. We’ll look after the rest.”

Ben and I looked at each other. This is when we realised the fool part of the foolproof plan. We had yet to rescue the little ugly girl from the re-education centre.

“There’s a snag with that.”
“You don’t have your friend yet do you?”
“No.”
“For a little extra, we here at the Wal-Mart Smuggling Centre can help. Where is your friend?”
“At the Re-education centre.”
“Ouch. For a lot extra, we here at the Wal-Mart Smuggling Centre can help.”

“What’s a lot extra?”
“$10 000. $20 000 total.”

“Done.” Ben said. “Don’t worry Suzy, as I said, my Dad did a lot of consulting in the early 90s.”

That night we slept peacefully as the little ugly girl was rescued and smuggled out of the country. Three days later we met the ship at the shipping yards in Vancouver.

The little ugly girl appeared from the ship and ran to us.
“Thank you so much. Thank you so much.” She said as she hugged us.

A free private jet later (thank you again Ben’s Dad), the little ugly girl was the special guest on the season finale of Ben’s television show. Ben was proud to introduce his smuggling find.

“Now it is with great pleasure, that I Ben Mulroney, introduce our secret special guest for the season finale of Canadian Idol. All the way from China - Yang!”

The crowd of tweens screamed as Yang performed Christina Aguilera’s song entitled Beautiful.

“I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So China, don't you bring me back today”