Todd Bertuzzi Hat Trick
(March 20, 2004)

Last Thursday I had a rare day off at the flower shop so I went over to World of Ham headquarters to pester Ham.  Things in the office were chaotic.  Ham was shouting on the phone.

"Hamantha, how's it going?"

"Not now Suzy PooPoo.  I'm trying to find a reporter.  Everybody is busy today."  He picks up the phone and starts to dial.

"Maybe if you weren't so cheap and paid people to write stories for your website, your reporters wouldn't have to maintain day jobs."

"Not today Suzy... Oh hi would Woody be available... No ah, can you tell him Ham called...  yes he has the number...  Thank you."

I walked over to the muffin tray and start to munch on a raspberry one.

"Why don't you just go Ham?  You are never doing anything.  You cheap lazy bum."

"Hey, who bailed you out of England where you were bribing people and talking about doing drugs to secret service agents?  You junkie."

"It wasn't agents it was only one agent."

Ham continued to make phone calls while I ate his food.  A frustrated Ham sat in his chair.

"Suzy I have a sponsorship meeting which could put this little website on the map.  I need you to go to this press conference for me.  The NHL is ruling today about the Todd Bertuzzi incident."

"Todd Bert-tuzzi?  Whose that?"

Ham sighed.  "Have you not watched TV the past two days?  Todd Bertuzzi is the Vancouver Canuck who attacked Steve Moore from the Colorado Avalanche because Moore had injured Bertuzzi's linemate, Markus Naslund, earlier in the year.  Bertuzzi jumped Moore from behind, drove his head into the ice and broke his neck.  Then last night, Bertuzzi came a tearful apology on TV complete with fake tears and everything.  Come here and I'll sure you the hit on the computer.  It's posted everywhere on the internet."

We watched the attack on Ham's computer (he has such a nice computer for someone who claims to have no money).  It was violent.

"I need you to go down to the Hangar for the press conference.  Bertuzzi might get a year for this."

"The hangar?"

"Oh Suzy, the Air Canada Centre.  Where the Leafs play hockey.  The adjoining building is the NHL head office.  Fourth floor.  Just follow the press.  It starts in an hour so hurry up."

I gave him a dirty look that let him know he was not the boss of me.  I am an independent woman.

"Please hurry Suzy and here... " he threw me the sports section from the Globe and Mail "read this on the way down so you know what's going on."

"Oh and one more thing."  he said as scribbled a question on some World of Ham cheesy stationary.  "I need you to ask this question."

"Sure no problem."  I said as I took the question from him.

I read the article as I took the subway down to the "hangar" as Ham so eligently worded it.  Inside the lobby were 30-40 media personnel.  At 10:00 exactly a young twenty something (he must have been an intern) came into the room with a stack of papers.  He distributed one to each person.  Before I got my copy I heard the rumblings from the men who had already read it.

"the rest of the regular season"
"the entire playoffs"
"must be reinstated by Gary Bettman"

A thirty something man, quite cute, came into the lobby.  "Colin Campbell will now answer questions up on the fourth floor."  There was a push for the door but the cutie calmed them by saying "no rush gentlemen.  we'll be starting in five minutes."

Some of us took the stairs up to the fourth floor but most waited for the elevator.  It seems that sport reporters are always overweight.  When I arrived at the press conference I understood why.  At the back of the room were tables filled with donuts, coffee, muffins and dannishes.  I couldn't resist and took a chocolate muffin.  We stood in a semi circle around two tables each with a NHL logo on its microphone.

Colin Campbell who was the head hauncho for the NHL in regards to discipline answered most of the questions.  It was clear he did not want to be there.

I decided I wanted to ask a question.  I put my hand up a few times but he never picked me as someone always shouted overtop of my raised hand.  It seemed all the regulars got to ask questions first.

"If fighting was eliminated, would this have happened?" a question came from the right.  Mr. Campbell was not happy.

"This is not about fighting in hockey.  Next question."

"Excuse me, Mr. Campbell, I have a question." I said.

"Yes Miss."

"You talk about how this will hurt Vancouver's run in the playoffs but they haven't made the playoffs yet have they?"

"No, not yet but it would take a landslide for the Canucks to miss the playoffs."

"I'm not a hockey expert but isn't Vancouver prone to self destruct with Todd Bertuzzi in the line-up.  Without their top player they might go on a "landslide" as you so put it.  If they miss the playoffs then he might only get 12 games.  So you the missing 'potential' playoff games shouldn't factor into your decision, right?"

All the reporters stared at me and started to write notes.  I could tell Colin Campbell was sweating.

"And, it's logical to assume that the NHL will not happen next season so you can't count any of those games.  I mean when the NHL resumes, you can't say 'well he's missed two months of this season' because everybody will have missed two months.  Am I making sense?"

More writing from the reporters and more sweat from the Colin Campbell's forehead.

"So Todd Bertuzzi might only get a 12 game suspension?"

"Well yes it's possible.  The minimum is 12 games but that is why he must be reinstated by Gary Bettman."

"Thank you."  Then I remembered about Ham's question.  I pulled his question from my pocket. 

"Excuse me Sir, I had one more question."  

"Go ahead."

"If a Gordie Howe hat trick is a goal, an assist and a fight, is a Todd Bertuzzi hat trick a goal, an assist and breaking someone's neck?"

"This press conference is over."  Colin Campbell said and left the room.