The Blind Lugist
(February 26, 2006)

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and on national television.

I had become tired of guys dating me solely for my natural beauty. Sure, it feels neat to know that someone finds you attractive but for me, a blonde bombshell of the ultimate, everyone finds me attractive. But I don't blame them.  I wanted to date someone who could get passed my beauty to my much prettier inner beauty. This is the reason why I dated Bernard.

Bernard is blind. Not blind like justice but real blind. Blind as a bat. The whole blind shabang  If you pop your eyes out of your sockets and place them on the table you could see as well as Bernard.

It may appear that I am mean but this is not true.  To be honest Bernard was a bit of a jerk.  Maybe I'm too modest with 'a bit'. Always with the talking "going to be famous at what ever cost...".   But worst was his hyprocriticalism.  He would always make blind jokes but whenever I did - I was declared insensitive.  I was going to break up with him but I rather enjoyed someone who was not in awe of my tremendous appearance.

Then it happened - he dumped me!  Me, Suzy TooToo!  Having never been dumped, I took it - not sad but vengefully. I swore revenge on my blind ex-boyfriend.

It has been six years since Bernard dumped my pretty bum.  Over those years Bernard used his misguided ambition to become the world's greatest blind lugist. That's right luge; the winter sport where they ride toboggans on their backs down a track at 100 km per hour. Four years ago he won the Paraolympics in Utah.  Then last week when he competed for gold at the Winter Olympics in Italy.  If successful he would be the first Paraolympic medallist to win an Olympic medal. 

You've probably seen the commercials of him as they are overdone on all CBC coverage.  My personal favourite is the Kellogg's Corn Pops commercial where he runs out of cereal.  It shows him sliding a luge sled through traffic to the supermarket.  It ends with him eating a bowl of cereal saying "gotta have my pops!"

After me, he moved to Fernie, British Columbia then settled in Calgary to became a lugist.  But not to any lugist, Fernie Bernie (his self created nickname) - the greatest lugist in the history of the world.

Olympic Luge is divided into two days with each day having two runs.  The lugist with the lowest total time after four runs is the winner.  After the first day of luge, my blind ex-boyfriend was in first place.  Thus his worldwide attention grew so high that I'm sure he could smell the sponsorship millions at his feet (smell is high with the seeing impaired).  After the first day, people asked me how I was handling being rejected by a highly successful athlete. 

I Suzy TooToo upset about being dumped?  Never.

To prove to the nay-sayers that I was over Bernard, I threw a party to cheer Bernard's second day of sliding.  I invited all my friends (and Ham) to my place. I was the superb hostess with the mostest as we watched CBC for the finale of Olympic Luge.

"Hello Canada, Bernard Malarkey has been waiting years for this day, ever since he won gold at the Salt Lake Paraolympic Games. Four years of red tape, four years of training, four years of sliding on the World Cup circuit. Finally Canada's own Fernie Bernie's dream of being the first Paraolympic and Olympic gold medallist can be realised today!   Next the men's single luge finale".

As I welcomed my guests, my friend Annie yelled to me.
"Suzy!  Is that your boyfriend Scott announcing the Luge on television?"
"Yep, how else did you think I knew so much about the sport?"

My boyfriend continues on the TV.
"With me today as always is five times national luge champion Toby Boucher. Toby, since Bernie began his quest for Torino other Paraolympians have attempted the cross over, most notably Japan's Matssumoto twins who fell 15 times at last year's World Pairs Figure Skating Championships.  Sadly their routine ended when Haruo threw his sister into the judges' box - injuring the French judge. Then of course we all know the tragic story of blind biathlete Violet Viola of Spain who fell, lost her sense of direction and took out six spectators with her shooting prowess. Where others have failed Toby, why has Bernie conquered?"

"Luge is a sport of aerodynamics. You lay your back on the sled thus the less you look up - the faster you will slide. Seeing-able lugers lift their head up at points to see where they're going.  Being seeing impaired allows Bernie to keep his head flat on the sled - creating the ultimate aerodynamic luger. It's a tremendous advantage Scott."

We watched the third run and my friends cheered when Bernard finished with the lead.  I missed Bernard's run because Ham arrived at the exact same time.

"Suzy I am impressed. I thought you'd be really bitter but instead you threw a party.  I'm surprised and as you know I am seldom surprised."

I wanted to remind him how surprised he was when his girlfriend Natalie shaved her head but I passed at the easy insult.

The fourth run began and it became evident that all my blind ex-boyfriend needed was a clean slide to be the victor.  Bernard was about to slide.

"Suzy I didn't know you had a book shelf."  Ham said.
"It's new."
"And it has three books."
"Shut Up you two!  I'm trying to watch Olympic history".  My friend Annie yelled.
"How to find a successful boyfriend.  Interesting title."
"Another amazing start for Bernie.  No holding back for this guy today.  He wants to win in style."
"The autobiography of Charlie Francis.  Wasn't that Ben Johnson's coach?"

"Through the split, Bernie is in lead. Can he hold onto it?"

"Interesting books Suzy."
"Thanks.  I believe in reading to educate the mind so that it can be used in practical situations."

"Fernie Bernie has done it!  Olympic gold."

During the commercial break my party continued to scream with glee.

"Gold for Canada and for Fernie Bernie!   We take you live to the track where Scott Brown has Paraolympic and Olympic Luge Champion Fernie Bernie. Scott."

"Bernie, did you hear Brian?"
"I sure did.  I may be blind but I can hear." 
Cheese Louise - another blind joke that he would consider offensive if told by anyone else but himself! 
"So how does it feel?"
"It feels great.  To make history like that is unbelievable.  It hasn't sunk in yet but I'm going to try to make this moment last as long as possible."

"What was the key today?"
"The plan was to keep it clean.  Nothing too risky.  I knew if I could slide my slide no one would be able to catch me."

"And plenty of steroids?"

The room was as quiet as Bernard.

"Suzy, what do you mean practical situations?"
"Shut up Ham.  I'm watching my blind ex-boyfriend exposed as a fraud on National Television."

"Excuse me?"  Bernie asked.
"How much did the steroids help you achieve Olympic glory?"
"I find this insulting. Just because I am blind does not means you can treat me like a criminal."

"No I think I can because I had this prescription bottle with your name on it."
My boyfriend held the bottle to the camera and read the label.
"Bernard Malarkey, Anabolic steroids.  Inject daily for Olympic medals."

"Where did you get this from?"
" I have my sources Bernard."
"Did you just call me Bernard?  The only person who called me Bernard was my ex girlfriend Suzy..."

Bernard trailed off in mid sentence as all of my guests turned to me.
At this point Ham (still obsessed that I had bookshelf) held up my final book.

"Suzy you have a copy of 'The Count of Monte Cristo'?  This is like the greatest revenge book of all time."
"Yep."

Annie spoke.
"Suzy, how did you know Bernie was using steroids?"

"Simple, I did what every girlfriend does - I looked through his medicine cabinet."

Ham looked at the television and, for the first time, realised the situation. Being a self described sports expert he quickly yelled to my guests.
"Wait for it.  The Canadian athlete never accepts blame.  Johnson, Laumann, Rebagliati - it's always someone else's fault.  Wait for it."
"It's not my fault.  Those labels aren't in brail!"