The Brown Cow
(November 16, 2008)

Ham leaped from his chair at World of Ham Headquarters.

“Did I just hear Ham Junior?”

Yes it is true. At World of Ham Headquarters, Ham has a portable ham radio. And yes it’s true that Ham named his ham radio, Ham Junior.

Ham Junior’s sole purpose is to track the communication of the city’s emergency services – beit ambulance, fire or police. Ham believed that Ham Junior would one day give him the story of the century – thus justifying his five dollar purchase. Because of this, Ham would drop everything if he heard Ham Junior – including, in this case, his lunch of two peanut butter sandwiches (such a Cheapo).

“Attention all cars. We have a Code 17-3…”
“It’s the police channel Suzy!”
“What type of 17-3…”
“Please be a Chubby Oprah Winfrey. Please!”
“Chubby Oprah Winfrey.”
“Yes! Chubby Oprah Winfrey! The motherlode of stories. I’ve been waiting a long time for this story. Suzy I need you at the scene – pronto!”

Apparently there was no time for my lunch either as within minutes Ham had flagged a taxi (it must be important if Ham was paying for a taxi) and I found myself in it. Before Ham closed the door, he carefully handed Ham Junior to me.

“I’m not taking this thing, it’s hideous.”
“Suzy, Ham Junior might come in hammy – I mean handy.”

The door closed and the taxi driver, me and Ham Junior sped away from Ham, World of Ham Headquarters and, most importantly, my lunch.

A short detour through the local McDonald’s drive thru later (did I mention I had not had lunch) and we found ourselves at the scene of the 17-3. It was a major highway in the west end that had been closed down due to the 17-3. It looked more like a ghost town than a “motherlode” as there was only a tipped transport truck and a single police officer.

“Hi, I’m here for the 17-3 Chubby Oprah Winfrey.”
“You missed it. It’s over.”
“Over?”
“Yep, everything is fine.”
“Fine?”
“You can see so yourself. They’ll all in the park.”

I dragged Ham Junior and my McDonald’s lunch up the hill into a neighbourhood and roamed the subdivision until I found the park. As I turned the corner of the park gate, I was blinded by the camera lights and the hordes of media interviewing the police.

My sudden blindness caused me to bump into something… potentially leathery. I shielded my eyes from the light.

Cowabunga! There were cows to the left of me! Cows to the right! Cows in front of me! The park was covered in cows, media and police.

I heard the police chief inform a reporter “These are White Park cows. All white with big horns. A very rare and ancient breed from England that’s here for the Winter Fair. Being so rare, it was important for us to round them up quickly and safely. The officers behaved gallantly. As police chief I am proud of each and every one of my officers.”

Then it all made sense. The tipped transport truck was carrying cows. The 17-3 was code for loose animals. And Chubby Oprah Winfrey… is C-O-W or cow. Cows wandering the city streets is a motherlode of a story.

And I had missed it!

Imagine being the first to interview the neighbours seeing cows in their backyards. Imagine getting photos of the cows roaming the streets. I might have snapped a photo of a cow stopping a car simply by standing - like that guy in Russia (or was it China) stopping a tank. Imagine, Suzy TooToo Pulitzer Prize winning reporter.

Imagine if I hadn’t stopped for McDonald’s!

I left the park and sat on a curb eating my McDonald’s next to Ham Junior.

As I poured lots of salt onto my French Fries, Ham Junior spoke.

“This is Officer Smith. I have a Chubby Oprah Winfrey in my sights. It is across the street from a pretty girl eating McDonald’s French Fries.”

McDonald’s French Fries? Pretty girl? That had to be me.

I looked up from my lunch. Across the street was a beautiful Brown Swiss cow, licking its lips at me. The cow began to meander towards me.

A few moments later, the cow was in front of me. As the Brown Swiss cow bent down to eat a French Fry, I noticed a police officer appear to my left. To my shock, the officer’s gun was aimed at us!

“Die Cow!”

I heard three gun shots then a thud. The cow dropped to the ground. I placed its head in my lap.

“Cow Killer!” I screamed.

Although no one came when with the sound of gun shots, the words “Cow Killer!” had brought the media and police from the park.

“It’s okay. You’ll be okay.” I said to my new friend as I fed it French Fries.

A woman ran into the street.
“Elsie – my darling cow! You shot my Elsie!”
“Your cow?” the cow killer moaned.
“I am no longer proud of all of my officers.” said the police chief

She dropped beside the cow and hugged it.
“My precious pet Elsie. I only left the gate open for a minute to get the morning paper. Then Mrs. Gossipby stopped me and you know how she can talk. But why would you dart like that Elise?”

She looked up at me feeding Elsie McDonald’s French Fries.

“Oh McDonald’s” she cried “it can kill you in so many ways.”

It was clear to everyone that the cow had not charged or had intended attacked me. It simply wanted salt. What’s the next best substitute to a salt lick? Why McDonald’s French Fries of course. Everyone knows they’re mainly salt with a few potato scraps mixed in.

Luckily a reporter who worked for “Milk Digest” was on the scene. She saved Elsie’s life.

The next day, Ham got his big story – sort of. On the front of every newspaper was a picture of me feeding French Fries to Elsie. However there was no mention of Ham, World of Ham or Ham Junior.

In fact Elsie became a bigger star than yours truly. She was crowned honourary farm queen at the Winter Fair. She was given her own stall at the Winter Fair but she hardly stayed in it. She roamed the fair like a queen roams its kingdom. Collecting flowers, getting curtseyed and, most importantly, eating their McDonald’s French Fries. By the end of the fair, she had become a sensation - people travelling from across the province just to feed Elsie her McDonald’s.

As for the police officer – the officer testified at its hearing that “Die Cow” was actually German for “The Cow”.

I too had my day in court for I testified at the officer’s hearing. I explained that I found it hard to believe that the only cow shot that day was a Brown Swiss.

“I fear that if Elise was a White Park cow, this never would have happened.”

UPDATE – Elsie and her agent are currently in negotiations to host Saturday Night Live.