Captain Taco
(August 2, 2009)

I met my Mexican friend Himiko for dinner at her favourite Mexican restaurant “El Blue Taco”. As we munched tacos and caught up on old times, a man dressed like a Mexican Revolutionary – complete with a black moustache, a sombrero and a poncho with bullet belts crossing over his heart, walked into the fine taco eating establishment.

“Himiko, who is that man?”
“Who?”
“The man with the lines of bullets crossing his chest!”

Himiko looked up from her yummy food to the man.

“Aye Carumba!”
“I know – aye carumba bullets!”
“Suzy, those aren’t bullets, they’re tacos.”
“Tacos? Who lines their chest with tacos?”
“Only one man would do this. Captain Taco!”

Upon hearing Himiko’s words, everyone in the restaurant stopped eating to stare at the man with the tacos lining his chest. A waiter quickly approached him.

“Captain Taco, this is an honour. Please Senior, complimentary tacos and a coca cola.”

“Gracious Senior but please keep it down. I`m trying to keep low profile here.”

As Captain Taco ate his tacos, I quizzed Himiko on the super hero.

“Himiko, who is Captain Taco?”
“Only the greatest Mexican super hero of all time.”
“What is he doing here?”
“He battled a burrito full of drug lords back home. I heard he had been laying low in Canada but I can’t believe he is actually here!”
“Lying low in Canada? For how long?”
“Suzy, hadn’t you noticed the crime rate has gone down this year?”
“I thought it was the new gun laws.”
“Psst gun laws. Captain Taco is the real answer to the gun law question. You pull a gun, he knocks it out of your hand with his patented boomerang taco.”
“Boomerang Taco?”
“Yes boomerang taco. He throws the tacos and it always flies back to him. But what makes the taco really special ...”
“Other than the boomerang aspect?”
“Yes, is that each taco is dipped in a secret oil recipe. If the taco hits you, the hot oil from the taco temporarily burns you but leaves no mark. It’s the ultimate weapon.”

As we were about to introduce ourselves to the greatest Mexican super hero of all time, three armed men stormed into the restaurant.
“Everyone on the ground. This is a stickup!”

No one moved. A few guns shots into the ceiling convinced everyone to the ground. Even yours truly and Himiko, hit the floor by diving behind the lunch counter.

As we peered from cover, we saw the oddest thing – Captain Taco with his back to the thieves, munching away on his tacos as if nothing had happened. The thieves stood stunned.

“Hey, we said everyone on the floor.”
“I heard you Muchachos, but not before I eat my tacos.”
“Well hurry up and get rid of your tacos.”
“With pleasure!”

POW! WHAM! SMACK!

Within a flash, Captain Taco turned around with three tacos in his hands. Two quick wrist movements later, two of the thieves were lying on the ground – unconscious. They have been victims of the boomerang taco. The third thief had avoided the taco hitting his head but without dropping his gun to the floor.

“So you thought you could just salsa in here and rob the place?”
“Captain Taco?”
“Si. And during my dinner!”

Captain Taco held his hand close to one of the tacos on his belt. He appeared to be like a modern gunslinger. The thief was shaking in his boots waiting for the classic taco-to-the-head knockout toss.

“Right now I should give you the classic taco to the head knockout toss and end this, but frankly, I need a challenge. Waiter! Soccer ball please.”

The waiter reached under the cash register for a soccer ball and gave it to the super hero. Soccer ball in hand, Captain Taco spoke.

“If you can get by me with this soccer ball, I’ll let you pick up your gun and take a shot at me. Deal?”
“Are you serious?”
“I never joke about soccer or tacos. Here.”

He tossed the ball at the thief.

“If you can get by me, I’ll let you take a shot at me.”

I whispered to Himiko.
“What is he doing?”
“Don’t worry. Captain Taco is only looking for a challenge. Besides he is amazing at soccer. Actually all Mexicans are amazing at soccer. We’re the best in the Western Hemisphere.”
“What about Brazil?”
“Hmm... good point. Okay next to Brazil we are the best. But don’t worry – we are in Canada. All Canadians suck at soccer.”
“But what if the thief grew up in Brazil?”
“Hmm... good point but relax Suzy – it’s Captain Taco.”

The thief and Captain Taco squared off in the middle of the taco restaurant. They stared at each like a high noon shootout. Then the thief did the oddest thing. He winked at Captain Taco and said.

“Shall we get this on, Che?”
“Oh no!” Himiko whispered.
“Oh no, what?”
“He said Che. That’s like a Canadian saying “eh”. Che means his Argentine.”
“So?”
“Mexico never beats Argentina at soccer. Okay, next to Brazil and Argentina, we are the best in soccer in the Western Hemisphere.”
“Oh no indeed.”

With this predication of doom, the thief charged at Captain Taco. As he entered the super hero’s personal space, the thief picked up the ball with his ankles, did a 360 and promptly landed behind a stunned Captain Taco.

“Ha, ha Captain Taco!”

The thief retrieved his gun and aimed it directly at the chest of Captain Taco.

“How’s that for a challenge Che?”

I looked up from the counter to see a taco resting on a plate next to the cash register. With a lightning quick grab and equally lightning quick release, I threw the taco at the thief!

It landed well short of my intended target and it did not boomerang back to me. The thief looked at the taco lying on the floor and laughed at me.

“Hey, that was suppose to boomerang back to me!”
“You idiot, that’s not a taco. It’s a burrito. Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a boomerang burrito – only boomerang tac...”

SPLAT!

The thief lecturing me had given Captain Taco all the time he needed to throw one last taco at the thief.

After the police completed their investigation and arrests, Captain Taco joined us at our table for dinner.
“Suzy, thank you.”
“No problemo.”
“That was quick thinking to play dumb by thinking a burrito could be a boomerang.”
“Yeah, playing dumb...”
“You know this is my last crime fighting activity in Canada.”
“Oh, don’t worry. You did fine. You’re not slipping. You`ve still got many years left in you.”
“Who said I was slipping? No, tomorrow I return to my beloved Mexico.”
“And you are not coming back ever?”
“I’d like to but I can’t.”
“Why?”
“I’m afraid Canada has introduced new rules for Mexicans to visit. I will now need a visa. The requirements for acquiring such visa are so great I’m afraid they will never issue me one.”

“But you are Captain Taco, the greatest super hero of all time. You have no weakness. No kryptonite.”
“Si, I do. My only weakness is Canadian bureaucratic red tape.”