The Chocolate Recall
(November 29, 2006)

“Chocolate recall is our top story.”

I arose from my yoga mat to watch the news in more detail.

“This morning, chocolate giant Peppi announced a massive recall of its signature P and Ps. The famous little chocolate covered mints…”

Recall of chocolate! Oh la la! And just after Halloween to boot. I ran to the kitchen to examine my Halloween candy. Sure enough – I had had piles of those delicious P and Ps. I turned my attention once again to the news.

“…anyone with the delicious yet tainted chocolate is asked to take their chocolate to your local Peppi factory. There you can exchange your cash. Each candy is valued at $1.

I turned back to my kitchen table overflowing with Halloween candy. A quick calculation concluded I was in for a big pay day.

“P and P my bloomers yellow, I’m going to be rich!” I yelled as I gathered up the recalled sweets and ran to my local Peppi factory.

At the customer service desk, I met a food engineer.
“Hi, I’m Food Engineer Sally. How can I help you?”

I dumped the Ps on the table.
“I would like to exchange these diseased ones for cash please!”

Food engineer Sally examined my candy.
“Hmm… these are not the tainted ones.”
“What do you mean? I got them for Halloween. The news said it was for all candy made in the last month.”
“True but we make Halloween candy in August.”

“How do you know it is not from the poisoned batch?”
“You see here on the back, this number. If it says 3666 then it is recallable – yours says 3443 – therefore it is not.”
“You mean?”

“Eat as many candies as you want from your stash.”
“Hmm… I guess chocolate is better than the old mighty dollar.”

“Excuse me miss?” the food engineer Sally asked.
“Yes”
“Are you going to eat all of them? Think you could spare one? Those Ps and Ps are ever so tasty.”
I gave my food engineer a package.
“Thanks.”

I gathered my candies in my arms. As I turned to leave I bumped into a man. My amazing agility stopped me from dropping my chocolate but the man was not as fortunate.
“Aargh! C’est domage. Mon pais et pais.”

It was my nemesis Le Grand Orange! But returning chocolate?
“Aargh, ye be Suzy says I.”
“Why are you here?”
“Can’t ye return the dreaded chocolate?”

My nemesis was correct. In Canada, a criminal mastermind has the right to return deadly sweets. Feeling guilty, I helped him retrieve his tainted sweets from the floor. As I gave him the last package, I saw the batch number. It was 3443 - the same as mine!

“Here you go.”
“Aargh, merci beaucoup.”

I had to stay to watch. It would be a hoot to watch a super criminal like Le Grand Orange be denied his chocolate recall. I waited for the moment but it never occurred. In fact the opposite occurred - Le Grand Orange was paid cash for his regular chocolate!

As Le Grand Orange turned from food engineer Sally, he bumped into one angry Suzy TooToo!

“How is this possible? You had the same codes as me?”
“Aargh, it’s be true say I. Alas Suzy, le fair Miss Sally ne t’aime pas.”

“You mean because food engineer Sally is in love with you, she will accept untainted chocolate as tainted chocolate. Why would she do this? What’s in it for her?”

“Her treasure be the companionship de moi.”
“Oh, that’s more gross than watching worms mate!”

“How did you get so much chocolate?”
“There be an inside man at the schools, say I. The petit mateys sell their Halloween Ps and Ps to him for 25 cents. Sally dear gives me a treasure of $1 per P and P. 75 cents profit for me and 25 cents profit for the young sculls. ‘Tis a win-win.”

“But it’s illegal!”
“It’s only illegal if ye become the catch of the day. But no worries Suzy, that there shipment, ‘tis mon derrière shipment.”

I looked to Sally who was eating more Ps and Ps. I put two and two together and came up with four scores of chocolate poisoning.
“Bacteria alive, there are bacteria alive in her chocolate isn’t there? You’re bumping her off by giving her tainted chocolate!”
“Aargh, Sally lived a good life. Davy Jones will treat her right.”
“Oh I don’t feel so good.” Food engineer Sally said as she fell from her chair.

As I was about to run to Sally, the door behind her was kicked open. From the door appeared a fashionably dressed girl and two henchmen dressed as the official P and P mascots. The mascot motioned to help Sally.

“Leave Food Engineer Sally. We have you now Le Grand Orange. Murder!” the woman shouted.

“Just what is going on in here! I know I’m accustomed to misadventures but this is pushing it. I mean food engineers, pirates, P and P mascots. I demand an explanation!”

The women looked at me.
“My name is Violet Nightingale and I worked for the CIA.”
“The Central Intelligence Agency of the United States?”
“No, the Canadian Food Inspection Agency. It is spelt CFIA but the F is silent. We’ve been on to your friend for some time.”
“Then why didn’t you arrest him a long time ago? Hey wait, he’s not my friend.”
“We didn’t have the evidence until ten minutes ago. Ahmed, bring in the witness.”

From the other room walked a skater kid.
“Yo, yo, yo, Kook is in the house. Give it up for Kook!”
“Aargh, Kook, dit ne pas vrai?”
“Yo, yo, Grand Orange. I rolled to the Feds like a 720 on the pipe.”
“Le Grand Orange, your pal Kook confessed. He bought the chocolate from the kids for 15 cents.”
“15 cents! Aargh, I gave you 25 cents! Kook ye be stole from me.”
“Mark-up baby. It’s all about mark-up.”

“Peppy and Minty. Arrest Le Grand Orange!”
As the two mascots approached my nemesis, Le Grand Orange reached into his pocket. He retrieved a bunch of wrapperless tainted candy. With Jim Abbott like precision, he threw the chocolates at everyone – including me.

“Watch out! They are recallable!” Violet screamed as she leaped over the desk. In the confusion, Le Grand Orange made his escape.

Just then I remembered the dead body under the desk.
“What about food engineer Sally!”

Without hesitation, food engineer Sally sat up from the floor.
“She’s alive!” I screamed.

“How can I charge Le Grand Orange for murder if you are still alive? Why are not you dead? Did you not eat the taunted chocolates?”

“I sure did. You see my original job at the Peppi’s was food tester. I ate every product line possible including the ill-received Superspew. I guess I’ve built up a tolerance to Peppi poisoning.”