Comrade Suzy
(September 14, 2004)

Hmm....Marxism.  I had no idea there was a Marxist society right here in my own city until the day my friend Ralph Caryle called. 

"Suzy, what are you up to tonight?"
"Nothing."
"Want to come to a Humberdale International Marxist Society meeting with me?"

Ralph and I dated a few years ago.  Everybody thought we were a cute couple but for some reason it just never worked out.  I could never put my finger on the cause of our break-up.  All I knew was that it was mutual and I had no regrets.  We remained as friends but over the years I hardly saw him since he became a columnist for the Star Newspaper.

I had nothing planned that evening so I decided 'What the hay, I'm game for some Marxism!"

"Sure, where and when?"
"Meet me at my rowing club at 8."
"Okay."
"Oh, and wear something blackish and grey.  No pink."
"Not a problem."

It was easy to find a Marxist outfit in my wardrobe.  It's not because I'm a Marxist but rather from an old Halloween party I went to.  My former boyfriend (not Ralph) threw a costume party so I arrived as a communist.  It did not go over well because A) my former boyfriend was president of the Young Conservatives and B) he was hosting the party for his young conservative friends.  Needless to say, we broke up by the end of the night.  If fact it was over before the 'bobbing for kickbacks' apple game.

Besides being a fellow journalist, Ralph is an avid rower.  It was no surprise to meet him at the rowing club as that was his home away from home.  I arrived at the rowing club dressed in black slacks, navy blue cap, brown shoes and a grey turtleneck.  Ralph was just coming in from his workout on the lake.

"So what's Marxism?"
"It the forerunner for Communism."
"Oh."
"You could call it the Magna Carta of Communism."
"What's the Magna Carta?"
"It was the first evidence of putting a person's rights on paper.  It was basis for democracy."

"So where is this meeting?"
"At the legion on Lakeshore.  You know the one you can see from the Gardiner Expressway.  The one that stands all alone and looks like it will be condemned in a few years?"
"Yeah, I know the one but why is there a Marxist meeting in a Legion?  Doesn't that defeat the purpose of the soldiers sacrificing their life for freedom?"
"Well the Legion looks at freedom as 'being able to back ideas no matter how bad they are'.  It's freedom of thought really."
"Oh."

"Plus the Legion is hurting so bad for money, they will let anyone rent the hall.  These are tough times for Legions."

Ralph went into the rowing clubhouse to change.  He came back dressed in grey and black - just like myself.  Between us was no evidence of creative wardrobes.  As we walked to the Legion, Ralph explained to me the rules of the evening.

"So why are we going?  Are you now a Marxist?"
"NO Suzy.  It's for work.  I'm doing an expose on Marxists in the city.  I'm trying to infiltrate the society.  I've been to a few meetings but if I recruit someone, they will accept me."
"Am I the someone?"
"Yes.  So all you need to do is keep quiet.  You don't need to join up.  The fact that I bought someone should be good enough for them."

"I thought you wrote a column.  What's with this expose stuff?"

"It's the paper.  We have a new editor who is all about shock value and exposes.  So far this year we have accused the Toronto Blue Jays front office as racists, accused the police as racial profiling, did an expose on Vince Carter's Grandma and lead the way to getting the police chief fired.  It's depressing to use journalism to ruin lives rather than save them."

"That's too bad Ralph."
"Yeah, I know... and, oh, my name isn't Ralph tonight.  It's Karl Karlov.  It sounds more Marxist than Ralph.  There don't seem to be a lot of Ralph Marxists."
"Karl Karlov?"  I roared a big laugh.  "You came up with Karl Karlov as a fake name.  It sounds so fake and stupid."

"Okay... Karl.  Ha, ha , ha."
"Shut up Suzy.  And it's Comrade Karl."

We arrived at the meeting where two big men (dressed in grey) were standing watch at the door.  Ralph greeted both of them as we went into the Legion.

"Comrade Ricardo.  Comrade Hector."
"Comrade Karl."

Inside the hall, Ralph schmoozed the Marxists while I sat on a bench and surveyed the room.  All types of people from all ages and backgrounds were there.  I was impressed by the turnout.  Who knew so many Marxists lived in Humberdale?

A man stood up at the stage at the front of the hall.  He was behind a podium and behind him, on the wall, was a sickle.  In his hand was a hammer.  He banged the hammer on the podium.

"Comrades!  Let's begin the meeting."

"Welcome to our initiation party for the Humberdale International Marxist Society.  Thank you to all members for bringing one recruit."

The leader talked about the greats of Marxism - how everybody, regardless of race, sexual preference, gender, financial situations were all equal, all contributing to society in an equal fashion.  He explained how everyone, regardless of job, would be paid the same, creating a society that did not care about money.  He slammed free trade, economies in general but praised taxes.  

I couldn't take the radical nonsense anymore.  I stood up.

"Excuse me comrade."
"Yes." the leader replied
"Sit down Suzy!" Ralph whispered

"My name is Roslina, first time Marxist, long time Leninist.  I just wanted to say your society sounds great.  How can I join?"

"Thank you for your interest.  I know we all appreciate your enthusiasm.  Membership fees are based on your income.  If you earn over $1000 a month it's $40.  $1500 is $50.  $2000 is $100 and so on."

I sat down.  Ralph pinched my arm.  "I told you not to say anything."

The leader continued to boost the magic of Marxism.   I tried to follow Comrade Karl's advise but I could not.

"Excuse me leader sir?" I interrupted again
"Yes Comrade Roslina."
"If a Marxist society has everyone make the same amount of money then why is its membership fees a tiered fee that is based on income.  This doesn't make sense to me.  It's seems awfully... well I don't know.... capitalist."

There was a groan from the crowd.  My view was in the minority.  With this Ralph stood up beside me.  I knew I would have one friend in the hall.

"Comrade, I apologize for my guest Roslina but it has just come to my attention that her real name is not Roslina!"

There was a hush over the crowd as I stood dumbfounded.

"Her name is Suzy TooToo and she is an expose reporter!"

'Oh... no' I thought to myself.  This can't be good.

"I only realized it know comrades.  She tricked me with her wardrobe and manner.  She is no Marxist.  She's a capitalist pig."

"Seize her comrades!"  the leader ordered.

I ran for the exit, squeaking through the two big guards, Hector and Ricardo.  Outside of the legion I had to decide where to go.  

TTC?  no chance, buses come like every hour.   
Taxi?  I had no money.  I should have bought my purse.

So I ran for my life, running back to the rowing club.  I turned around a few times on the run back only to see a mob of grey with sickles and hammers chasing me.  I made it to the rowing club and to Ralph's car.  I have no idea why I thought Ralph's car would be unlocked - and it wasn't.  Standing there dumbfounded, I evaluated my situation.  Then it hit me as I looked out onto the lake.

Ralph hadn't put away his rowing boat.  

I jumped into the boat and paddled as fast as possible to the island, to freedom, away from tyranny.  About halfway to the island I looked back to the rowing club.  On the docks were crowds of angry Marxists with Ralph smiling among them.  He motioned to his ear for me to call him sometime.

I understood it all now.  Ralph invited me solely to expose me.  He knew I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut.  He knew I would be chased.  He knew I would run to the rowing club - that's why he left his boat out.  He played me.  I now knew why we broke up in the first place.  He manipulated me to get what he wanted.  I felt so used.

Tired of paddling, I relaxed in the bay on the row boat.  A yacht approached me, shining its spot light onto my little vessel.

"Who goes there?"
"Suzy TooToo."

"Why all the grey?"
"Oh, I'm a fake Marxist."

"Why are you all alone in the bay on a little vessel?"
"I was being chased by some real Marxists.  The Humberdale International Marxist Society.  Could you please take me abroad your ship?  I've had an awful experience."

"What's your destination?"  I was getting tired of all the questions.
"The island."

They pulled my vessel and myself aboard but before I could thank them, they put me in a chair.

"Nice tuxedos.  Are you guys having a party?"
"No we just belong to the Royal Yacht Club."
"Wasn't your club house burned down a few months ago?"
"Yes it was.  How did you know that?"
"It was all over the television.  Why?"

"We believe it was terrorism."
"Do you belong to al-Qaeda?"
"WHAT?  NO!"
"But you are a Marxist?"
"No, I'm a fake Marxist."

"Have you ever been a member of the Humberdale International Marxist Society?"
"Does going to a meeting count?"

"What's your name again?"
"Suzy TooToo."
"Can we see some ID?"
"Well, no.  I don't have it with me."

The two men turned away to consult.

"Listen, there were these Marxists chasing me with sickles and hammers.  All I need is a lift to the island."
"Likely story.  We're taking you back to the mainland.  We don't want any of your trouble.  We want to keep our island terrorist free."

"But I belong to the island nudist beach club."
"Ah, we have been trying to get those sinners off the island for years."
"Your going back to the docks."
"But they are waiting for me.  They will hurt me."
"Not our problem.  You probably committed some crime to get them after you in the first place."

"This is insane."
"No, it would be insane to let you onto the island.  We are just rebuilding the club house.  There is no need to put the new club house in any additional risk.  You probably want to burn it down again."
"I didn't burn it down in the first place!"
"That's for the police to decide."

"There's no need to put our clubhouse and members at risk by bringing in some yahoo who claims to be a fake Marxist onto our island."

The yacht dropped me off at the lake police station.  I was detained for the night but it was safer than going back to the rowing club where the real threat was located.

I used my one phone call to call Ralph (he probably knew all along that I would end up in jail - that is why he motioned for me to call him).  He stopped by the police station the next morning and drove me home.  He thanked me for helping with his expose.

After this backstabbing, I no longer recognize Ralph's existence.