Cookie Crumble Economy
(April 20, 2005)

Some people say the best cookies are the homemade type.  This is just simply not true.  If it was, you would see the Cookie Monster spending all of his time baking.  But he doesn't does he?  He's too busy counting cookies and eating them.  Nope, it is a fact that the best cookies are Calvin's Chocolate Chip Cookies of Crunch, made by Calvin Cookies.  I endorse them and more importantly, the Cookie Monster does too.  His picture is on the box.

I'm lucky enough to live near the Calvin Cookie Factory.  It's lucky because my neighbourhood always has the smell of freshly baked cookies.  I love the smell of freshly baked cookies as I awake and so does my neighbourhood.  This is the reason we have one of the highest theft rates in the city.  Everyone leaves their windows open for the smell. (it is particularly glorious in the morning - waking up to the smell of cookies).

It's also lucky because behind the 5000 square foot factory is its outlet store.  Normally I don't buy from an Outlet Store but a cookie outlet store vetoes my snobbish stereotypes.  Although it could be the cheapness of Ham rubbing off on me.  The outlet store consists of defective cookies - boxes with 559 grams instead of 560, boxes where the packages was wrong (like the Cookie Monster being green) - little mishaps that have nothing to do with the taste of the cookies. $1 for a box of cookies is a great deal.

Low on cookies, one Saturday morning I made the trek to the Calvin Cookie Factory Outlet Store.  I should have known something was wrong because the neighbourhood did not smell like cookies.  No indeed.  When I arrived at the store, there was no line-ups outside, no lights on inside and no cars in the parking lot.  To my chagrin, it was closed.

I stood dumbfounded until a man came up beside me.

"Calvin!  What's going on?"
"Miss Suzy, it's catastrophic.  The Calvin Cookie Factory has closed.  Quite inconceivable but my cookie making days have concluded."
"You mean..."
"Yes, no more Calvin's Chocolate Chip Cookies of Crunch."

I was still dumbfounded. 
"How could this be?"
"Cookie Monster."

"How could the sweet, loveable Cookie Monster be responsible for shutting down a cookie factory?"
"They collaborated and campaigned.  The Cookie Monster had no choice.  Clear cut case of conscription, Miss Suzy."

"What are you talking about?"
"Our courteous, caring, cocoa-craving Cookie Monster has been put on a diet.   No more cookies.  Only celery!"  Celery!  It's name doesn't even sound tasty.  Cookie or Celery?  This whole thing is a calamity.  Without the Cookie Monster's yearly intake of cookies, Calvin's Cookies has cement in its boots, a cadaver ready to collapse.  It's copeless."

"I'm not quite following you.  Why is the Cookie Monster such a juggernaut in the cookie industry?"
"Miss Suzy, of every five cookies cooked in the world, the Cookie Monster consumes one of them.  I had already bought countless supplies for my next cluster so I couldn't pay my bills.  I couldn't pay my employees to make the final cookies.  Six thousand jobs gone.  Nope, I had to do the unthinkable, I had to close the cookie factory doors."

"At least Cookie Monster had the politeness to write me a letter."
"Really?  I didn't know he could write."
"For sure, he's been on Sesame Street for over twenty years.  Bob or Maria better had coached him to read and write.  I have the letter right here.  Do you want to read it?"

He handed me the letter which was more like a card.  It was brown construction paper and had macaroni glued in the shape of a cookie on the front."

"Dear Calvin.

Cookie Monster must stop eating coo-kies.  CTW quite mad at Cookie Monster's nutritional intake.  Must be role-model for kids.  Sorry, no more cookies on Sesame Street.

Your friend,

Cookie Monster"

I wanted to say "well that's the way the cookie crumbles" but I knew it would not go over well so I bit my tongue.  I returned the letter to my friend.

"I don't comprehend why they pick on Cookie Monster.  I say if Cookie Monster has to give up cookies then Bert and Ernie should get married.  Case Closed."

As I left the cookie factory for the final time, I thought of Calvin's last statement.  How much does the habits of a person on a television show affect its viewers?  I mean Oscar lives in a trash can but you don't hear kids saying 'Mommy, mommy, can I live in a trash can like Oscar the Grouch?'  No one says 'When I grow up I want to live in a castle and count numbers like the Count!'.  It doesn't happen.  Why then does the Cookie Monster need to give up cookies? 

I decided to write a letter to Sesame Street to express my disgust.  As I was on page six, there was a knock on my door.  It was my little niece Eliza and her friend Pai.  There were in their Girl Guide uniforms.  Each were carrying two cardboard boxes of cookies.

"Auntie Suzy!  We're selling Girl Guide cookies.  How many cardboard boxes can I put you down for?"
"One, just like every other year."
"You rock!"

As I rummaged through my change I asked Eliza the prize of a cardboard box.

"$300."
I almost threw my back out with my reaction.
"$300!  No, seriously Eliza, how much?"
"Auntie Suzy, I would never lie to you, $300."
I looked at Pai and she nodded in agreement.

"Eliza, I can't afford $300.  Sorry, I guess no cookies this year."
"Auntie Suzy, you remember I'm a ninja right?"

Was my little niece threatening to kill me 'ninja-style' if I didn't buy some cookies?  After seeing her prowess with Bill O'Reilly, I couldn't take the chance.

"Okay, I'll take a box.  How much?"
"$4."
"$4, why so much?"
"Auntie Suzy, Three cookie companies went out of business this week.  The cookie shelves are bare.  Girl Guides now dominate the market.  We have a 50% market share -  we can charge whatever we want.  Plus we have no labour costs.  It's sort of like a co-op.   If we make enough money from this drive we can buy out the other cookies companies.  We'll have a monopoly."

As I found four dollars, I looked at the girls' sashes.  There I saw a badge with a dollar sign embroidered on it.

"Did you girls earn your Economics Badge?
They both beamed with pride.
"Yes we did.  Now pay up."