Felix the Vampire
(November 2, 2009)

With Halloween approaching, I found myself awaking every morning from a nightmare. Naturally this lead to me to an insomnia problem. Thus I went to the place that I always go to solve my problems – Bath and Body Works.

“Hi Suzy.” My Bath and Body Works personal executive assistant Mary-Anne said to me as I strolled into their amazing store.
“How can we help you today?”
I explained my problem to Mary-Anne.

“Follow me, Suzy.”

Mary-Anne escorted me to the aromatherapy section of the wonderful store. She searched the rack and handed me an old fashion blue glass bottle of sleep lotion.

“How does it work?”
“Well... It contains cinnamon and clove oil. Cinnamon essential oil is comforting. Clove essential oil is calming. This ultra-creamy body lotion keeps skin soft and moisturized, while an aromatherapy blend of essential oils evokes the comfort of warm milk and honey so you can get a good night's sleep. In addition, natural soybean oil nourishes and moisturizes, and glycerin attracts moisture, so skin is beautifully hydrated.”

I took a sniff of my insomnia cure.
“Poop de Scoop! This smells awful! Where is the comforting? Where is the calming?”

Mary-Anne responded “Have we ever let you down before?”

It was true. Bath and Body Works had never let me down in the past so I bought it. However to combat the hideous smell, I also bought many of their beautifully scented products – including Suzy approved scented candles.”

Thirteen product purchases later, I was home strategically spreading the good smelling merchandise throughout my place. As I cooked dinner (to make the house smell even better), I heard a noise at my door. I turned from the stove to see a bat flying in my foyer! Before I could reach for the broom, the bat mysteriously transformed into a man.

Puzzled, I spoke aloud.

“Am I going batty?”
“No, not at all. I was a bat and now I am a man. Well to be more accurate, I am a vampire.”
“A vampire bat?”
“No, just a vampire.”

“What’s the difference?”
“A vampire bat is just a bat but a vampire is both.”

“Then why is it called a vampire bat if it isn’t a vampire.”
“Hmm... that’s a good question. Give me a second and I’ll google it.”

The vampire retrieved a blackberry from his vest.
“One moment please. I got a few emails. Boy this thing is addictive. ” He said as he played with his Blackberry.

“Not important. Nope. Nope. Ooh, Rosemary had a baby! No, I don’t care about Jack Layton’s blog. Finished. Okay, the browser.”
A few moments later and the vampire still did not have the answer.

“Blackberry – you blood sucker. Your web browser sucks! I condemn you Blackberry to Hell!!!! Ha, ha, ha!”

Then he looked up at me.

“I seem to be having problems finding the answer. I don’t suppose I can borrow you computer?”
“I have something better than a computer.”
I toss the vampire my Iphone from my apron.

“An Iphone? Impressive. And you have wireless internet?”
“Pstt. Yeah.”

A few drags and taps of the fingers later and vampire had the answer.

“Ah, here we go. Vampire bats are bats whose food source is from blood. ”
“Hmm... learn something new everyday.” I said casually as I returned to cooking.

“Excuse me. Are you not the least bit scared of me?”
“No”

“Why?”
“I only know three vampires and all of them are good. Louis played famously by Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire. Edward the dreamy vampire from Twilight. And both of those vampires were nice guys. They never killed anyone.”

“I don’t like to be a vampire party pooper but I’m pretty sure both those guys kill people. Who was the third vampire?”
“The Count from Sesame Street. And I know for a fact he didn’t kill anyone.”
“True but the Count from Sesame Street isn’t a vampire. He’s a Count who can... well, count.”
“A counting Count? That makes no sense. He’s obviously a vampire.”
“Let’s google. May I borrow your Iphone again?”

Once again I toss the vampire my cool phone.
“Ah Ha! I knew it. If you don’t believe me, check for yourself. Here!”

The vampire tosses me my Iphone.
“ Count von Count, often known as The Count, is one of the Muppet characters on Sesame Street, performed by Jerry Nelson. Contrary to popular opinion, The Count is not a vampire modeled after Béla Lugosi's interpretation of Count Dracula.”

I felt cheated by my childhood until I noticed the web address.
“Wikipedia? You based your defence on Wikipedia? Ha! Anyone can post anything on that website.”
“Wait, but there are other sites too...”

“You almost had me. What is your name anyway?”
“Felix. Felix the Vampire. But seriously, I can find you another link.”

“Felix? What kind of name is Felix for a vampire?”
“It’s better than Louis or Edward or Dracula!”
“True. Wait, did you say Dracula? I forgot about him. He was a bad vampire, wasn’t he?”

Felix the Vampire sensed an advantage.

“Yes he was! Not all vampires are hunks. Some are bad... like me.”

My fear factor hit epic proportions. I realised that I, Suzy TooToo, was trapped in my home with a vampire. I was in trouble.
“Why drain me dry and call me dead, I’m done for aren’t I?”

Felix licked his lips.
“Yes you are!”

Quickly I tried to remember everything I knew about Dracula – starting with that Winnona Ryder movie. Oooh, Keanu Reaves topless! Concentrate Suzy. Concentrate. Garlic! That’s it. I retrieved the garlic powder from my spice rack and threw it at Felix the Vampire.

“Garlic Powder? Seriously? It has to be real garlic not some dollar store powder.”

He took a step closer.

I grabbed my chopsticks and crossed them to his face.
“Crucifix? I’m an atheist.”

“Daylight?”
“True, but the sun won’t rise for another eight hours!”

If I was going to have my blood sucked dry, I wanted to have it done in the comfort of my bedroom. I have this amazing sleep memory mattress ... however I knew Felix the Vampire wouldn’t wait for the bedroom. But I was cornered in the kitchen. I needed a diversion.

I threw my Iphone into the far corner.

“Oh, the Iphone!” Felix said as he raced to the corner to retrieve it.

With this, I ran from the kitchen into the bedroom, bumping into my dresser and falling softly onto my amazing bed. I turned to see Felix standing in my doorframe.

He had an evil grin... like the grin of a... vampire. Then his nose twitched and his grin turned from evil to horror – horror for himself.

“Oh, the smell! What is that?”

I too smelled the horrible smell. I looked to floor to see my Bath and Body Works Sleeping lotion bottle, shattered on the floor. I must have knocked it over when I bumped my dresser.

Felix dropped to his knees.

“Oh the humanity. I mean, oh the vampiranity. Make it stop! Why did I do to deserve this? I’m just a simple vampire.”
“I can make it stop but you must promise never to attack me or my friends. Never!”
“I promise. I promise. Just make it stop.”

I reached into my dresser drawer for my Bath and Body Works Pumpkin Pie Scented Candle. Within moments, the room smelled like pie. My new friend Felix the Vampire regained his composure.

“Thank you Suzy. I promise to leave you alone. But before I go, tell me, where did you get such a great scented candle?”

“Bathroom and Body Works! Where else?”
“Hmm... I must go to this store.”

I gave the vampire directions to the mall.

“Just ask for Mary-Anne. She’ll help you.”
“Mary-Anne, huh?” And evil grin appeared on Felix’s face.

“And you can’t attack her because she is a friend of mine.”
“Vamp it all to Hell!”

With that curse he transformed back into a bat. I opened the bedroom window and watched him fly away – fly away to buy amazing products at Bathroom and Body Works. It is always the answer to my problems.