The Pope, Fox News and Ninjas
(April 16, 2005)

I don't enjoy writing this but it was a well know fact that the Pope's time was coming to an end.  The media knew this thus were hunting for high ranking Catholics so that when the dreadful day when the Pope passed on, every media outlet would have secured their very own catholic expert.

Ham was no different.  He went on a cross country search, much like Canadian Idol, searching for the perfect catholic.  He interviewed tall ones, short ones, fat ones, small ones.  One who dibble, ones who dabble and ones who play scrabble (for the record 'eucharistic' has a triple word score of 146).  However it was in Toronto where Ham found his top prospect.

Father Ubani had constant communication with the Pope.  During the World Youth Day celebrations in Toronto, the Pope had taken a liking to the little man from St. Penelope's.  After talking to him on the phone, we both knew he was the one.  He had an easy going happy demeanour.  And of course, there was that story of the giraffe.

Before we met Father Ubani we knew he would be different.  Others wanted to be wined and dined at fancy restaurants and showered with Starbucks capichinos but not Father Ubani.  Not indeed.  Father Ubani asked us to meet him at the Food Bank.  There as we sorted food for the needy, Ham conducted his interview.

Now every Catholic expert needs a personal Pope story.  Something to relate him/her to the Papacy yet have that human element.  Father Ubani had the tiger's stripes of Pope stories.

"Miss TooToo and Ham, before becoming a spokesperson or your so-called 'Catholic Expert', I wanted to make sure I had the blessing of the Pope.  So, I called him and asked him if it would be okay to share moments about him after death.  There was a pause.  
    "Father Ubani, I don't understand."
"I thought to myself - 'Oh no I've offended him' so I tried to explain.  "The media is looking for happy stories so I was going to tell that giraffe story and..."
    "No." he interrupted.
I thought I had had it.
    "No, I mean, I don't understand why you think you are going to outlive me!"
Well we had a good chuckle over that.
    "Father Ubani, I will make a deal with you.  If I die first you have my blessing to share your stories with the media however... only if you let me share your stories with media if you should die first."

That story would take World of Ham to the top of amateur online journalism and Ham knew it.  It was simple, funny and harmless.  The perfect Pope story.  All Ham had to do was negotiate.

"Father Ubani, what is it going to take to make you part of the World of Ham team?"
The clergyman looked down at the floor.
"$17 163.72."

Ham and I looked in shock at each other.  How could this nice man demand such an outrageous fee?  Before we could ask he answered our unspoken question.

"This building has failed its last inspection.  It's going to cost $17 163.72 to bring it up to code."
We took a closer look at the building from our seats.  There were light bulbs missing, puddles of water (I hope it was water) in the corner, pipes tied with rags and cardboard replacing glass in the windows.  It was heart breaking to know that the money was sorely needed.  Even the King of Cheap, the Thriftiest of the Thrifty, Ham felt moved.  He did something I thought I would never see.  He pulled out an official "World of Ham" check, wrote on it and gave it to the priest.

"Father Ubani, it's been a pleasure but I can't afford $17 163.72 but here, I want you to use this for the repairs.  Sorry it could not be more."

Father Ubani looked at the amount.
"I want you to know, Ham, that this cheque will mean more to me than the $17 163.72 cheque a big network is going to give me.  All of us here appreciate it."

We said our good-byes and left the Food Bank.

"You know Ham, I'm going back to help.  You wanna come?"
"I can't.  I have to help Natalie rehearse her lines."

We parted ways for the day.  I helped at the Food Bank until Father Ubani had to go.  He had another appointment with the media.  It was only a few streets away so I walked with him.  However before we could arrive at our destination, were stopped by two college kids.

"Father Ubani."
"Kate and Max of MTV News.  I was just on my way to meet you."
"There's been a change of plan." Kate said.
"Really?  I thought you only met at Urban Outfitters?"
"Well, today we are going to meet in that alley." Max said as he motioned to his hip.

We looked down at their hips.  Both had handguns.
"To the alley - slowly."
The followed us into the alley.
"Where did you get guns?" I asked.
"We're America's youth.  It's almost as easy to get guns as drugs."

Our backs were against a brick wall.

"We're really sorry Father Ubani but if you're dead, then the Pope will have to come on our show - because he made that deal with you.  We can't pass up a chance to have the Pope on MTV News.  We are trying to be serious journalists and murdering for the story is the first step - next to faking sources of being serious journalists."

"But Kate and Max, I haven't signed any agreement.  The Pope will only talk to who I have an agreement with.  And after this alley incident, I'm not entirely sure if I want to be on MTV News."

"Father Ubani, we work in the music industry.  It's foundation rests on forged contracts."

I had to think fast or we'd be goners.  Quick Suzy, think.
"Is that Ashlee Simpson at Urban Outfitters?"
"Oh-my-God, I love her."
"Me too.  I mean, it's all about the music with her.  It's so grass roots - nothing packaged - 100% Ashlee."

The MTV silly-dillys ran to the imaginary pop star.  We were saved.

"Father Ubani.  How may people did you tell that Pope story to?"
"Only one other - but I turned them down."
"Pfough, I thought some other media mogul might be after you."
"No, Fox News took it very well."

"Fox News, the ultra right wing American Cable Channel?  You implied to the most corrupt news organisation that they would have an interview with the Pope if you happened to die?"

"Yes but don't worry.  That Mr. O'Reilly took it very well."

"Why stuff us in a shell and call us tacos - we're dead meat!  I have to get you to a police station." 

Before we could move, a group of fifty year olds in suits climbed down from a fire escape.  It was Fox News.  There at the front of the V like killer formation was Bill O'Reilly.  He had an oozie.

"Father Ubani, my associate Jackson Debray has a contact for you to sign."
"And if I don't?  Will you forge my signature too?"
"No we're right wing Americans - we'll destroy what's dearest to your heart - your little Food Bank."

Sometimes when I'm in dire situations like this I have a guardian angel who protects me (read Q story) however my guardian angel, believing my bogus Ashlee Simpson story, was hanging out in Urban Outfitters looking for the pop princess.

We tried to stall Fox News but there is no delaying someone with an oozie.  Father Ubani reluctantly signed the contract.  He had sacrificed the lives of two exceptional people to feed thousands.  I was not bitter.  I just wish I had done more with my life. 

As Father Ubani kneeled praying for a miracle and I stood there making a mental list of all the things I wanted to do but would never be able to - it came from above.

Two huge black balls fell from the building, landing on two of the Fox News men.  Quickly I realised there were not balls but rather two small people dressed in black.  A few Ninja chops later, and I realised Father Ubani's prays had been answered.  Two midget Ninjas had come to save us.

It took 5.7 seconds for the midget ninjas to dispose of the Fox News team.  Bill O'Reilly went down by a midget ninja using his head as a kicking bag - much like a boxer does with its fists.

The midget ninjas approached us. 
"Thank you midget ninjas.  How can we ever repay you?" I asked.
"A basket of your famous homemade raspberry muffins should do the trick!"

I recognised the high pitched voice as the midget ninjas pulled off their masks.  There weren't midgets at all - they were 10 year kids.  In fact they were my 10 year old twin niece and nephew.

"Liza and JoJo?"
"Auntie Suzy!  Are you surprised?"
"Yes, but to be honest, I don't know if I'm more surprised you saved my life or that you are ninjas.  How did you know I would need help?"

"Oh Auntie Suzy, you are always in trouble.  Why do you think we trained to become ninjas?"