Gigi
(December 6, 2007)

“Ooh, an invitation in the mail, it must mean only one thing” I thought to myself as I opened my mail. Sure enough, as usual, I was correct. It was a dinner invitation from my good friend Gigi.

Gigi is always hosting dinner parities. I may be the hostess-with-the-mostess but Gigi is the cheftess-whose-the-bestest. To be blunt she is a phenomenal cook. Her parties are stupendous because she cooks her own dinners. You could say (or write) that she puts the g in gourmet cooking.

I planned my diet accordingly so that I could maximise my Gigi cooking intake. It seemed like forever until the day of the dinner. My lack of food intake propelled me to Gigi’s.

I knocked on her apartment door but there was no answer. Then I heard a voice “Come on in Suzy.”

I entered her apartment to a scent of ginger.

“I love your scented candles, they smell so great.”
“What?” I heard Gigi’s voice from the kitchen.
“Your ginger candles smell great - so much so that I can’t even smell your cooking.”

There was no reply. Gigi must have been cooking up a storm.

I explored the apartment as she cooked. The apartment had been completely redecorated. Gone were the Ikea pastels – everything (including the freshly painted walls) were brown in colour. My friend had taken the important maturity step of graduating from Ikea to Pottery Barn.

Gigi detests non-Gigis in her kitchen so I eagerly sat at her brown dinning table in front of my brown plate and brown silverware waiting for my dinner and pondering if brown silverware should be called brownware.

Finally, Gigi arrived from her kitchen.

“Suzy!”
“Who are you?”
“Why it’s Gigi silly, who do you think it was?”

I looked closer. Her trademark pink dress had been replaced by a brown one. Her blonde hair had been dyed brown. Her fingernails were still pedicured but they were brown. Even her skin was a little browner than normal.

“I’ve had a bit of a makeover.”
“You look good.”
“Thank you. Now dinner is served!”

Gigi place a giant plate on the table and lifted its lid. To my surprise it was not a gourmet meal – it was a neatly place pile of…

“What’s this? Cookies?”
“Ginger cookies to be precise. What else would it be silly?”
I sat stunned at the ginger cookies.

“Oh, I get it now. It must be a new trend to eat your dessert first. You are always on top of things Gigi.”
“No, this is the meal.”
“Then I don’t get it. What’s going on here Gigi?”

My friend broke down and confessed.
“Oh Suzy, it’s horrible. I can’t resist it anymore.”
“It?”
“I’m hooked on the big G!”
“God makes you eat cookies for dinner?”
“No, Ginger. It’s the ginger. I’m hooked on the ginger.”

She tried to cry but tears would not appear – only brown salty liquid with a ginger scent flowed from your eyes.

“It started so innocently.” She explained.
“It always does.”

“One day someone in the restaurant suggested I try ginger. So I tried it on toast. It was incredible Suzy. Then I began to experiment.”

“Experimenting is never good.”

“A little at first. Ginger in my coffee. Ginger on my sandwiches. Then I went hard core. Ginger on my fillon mignon. Ginger on poached salmon and homemade ginger Popsicle’s. Then eating ginger wasn’t enough. You can only eat so often and so much. I needed the big G with me 24-7.”

“That would explain the ginger smell.”
“And my wardrobe. Look at me. I do all my shopping at Bloomingdale’s so that I can get the Brown Bags.”

“And the skin tone?” I asked.
“It’s not a tanning salon as you might think. It’s from eating an excess of ginger. I become bronzer by the day.”

“So you’ve sort of turned into a gingerbread man?”
“Suzy, don’t joke about that. Last week I stubbed my toe on the new brown couch and my toe simply snapped off. The doctor said she had never seen anything like it.”

“At least you weren’t wearing icing!”
Gigi made no reply.
“Oh Gigi!”
“Just the one time… and it felt so good!”

“Oh Suzy you have to help me please. I don’t know what to do. I’m so gone on the ginger that my dentist diagnosed me with gingervitus. My poor teeth!”

Gigi put her head on the table – sobbing without tears.

“They tell you to try it once. It won’t hurt they say. Then boom – the next thing you know you’re chugging 3 ginger smoothies every morning.”

“I’ll take you to your room to lie down while I figure out how to help you Gigi.”

I helped my friend to her room. As we approached the door, I could smell the strong stench of ginger from her room. I kicked open the door.

“Oh Gigi no!”

The room was full of ginger. Not ginger coloured furniture or ginger flavoured products but two-feet high of ginger lining the floor. It looked like a beach.

“I couldn’t help it. I need to sleep with my G.”
I helped Gigi down to her ginger and placed her ginger-filled pillow under her ginger-dyed hair.

I picked up her telephone and dialled for help.

“Hello Hansel and Gretel Gingerbread House Detox Centre.”
I explained the situation.

“To judge your friend’s ginger addiction stage, I need to ask you a few questions.”
“Fire away.”

“Does she have any gin in the apartment?”
I took the cordless phone to the dinning room liquor cabinet.
“Four bottles of gin – all of them are open.”

Gigi hollered from her ginger bed.
“Take the gin. I don’t want it. Who knew Gin doesn’t contain any ginger?”

“Has she been humming any Spice Girl songs?”
“No.”
“Any Spice Girl posters?”
I repeated the question to Gigi who pointed to the back of her bedroom door. There I saw a Spice Girls poster featuring Ginger Spice.

“Does your friend own any Gilligan Island DVDs?”
I scurried through her DVD collection.
“Thank goodness no.”
“Open each DVD case. People who own Gilligan’s Island DVDs tend to hide them.”
I opened Gigi’s “No Reservations” DVD.

“Oh the humanity! Seasons one, two and three of Giligan’s Island! Oh Gigi!”

Gigi responded “Sure Gilligan’s Island is a little cheesy but that Tina Louise is a great actress. Who else could play Ginger like that? She deserved an Emmy.”

With that absurd comment, the hotline spoke up.
“Did I just hear the word ‘emmy’? We’re sending a de-gingertox squad over there immediately.”

Update
You will be happy to learn that Gigi is recovering from her addiction. Although not released by the Hansel and Gretel Gingerbread House Detox Centre, she has been weaned off ginger and placed on the less addictive honey substitute. She cannot wait to see Seinfeld’s Bee Movie.