Hockey Night in Canada Anthem
(August 17, 2008)

“Ham, what are you doing with that accordion?”

“I’m trying to write the new Hockey Night in Canada theme song. Do you like it?”
“Good God no! It’s hideous. Please stop. I was trying to sleep… I mean write… at my desk here at World of Ham headquarters.”

“Oh, I thought it sounded cool.”
“Ham, there is nothing cool about an accordion.”

“I think you’re just jealous that I’m writing a song for the contest and you are not.”
“What contest was this?”

Ham showed me the article in the paper. According to Ham, some crabby lady wrote the Hockey Night in Canada theme song, then moved away to Europe… but still collected her residuals. Then she refused to partner with CBC, selling the rights to some other crappy network. Thus, Hockey Night in Canada started a contest for a new theme song.

“Even for you Suzy, I’m shocked you were clueless about this. Everybody’s writing a song for the contest.”
“I highly doubt everyone – none of my friends are writing a theme song to Hockey Night in Canada.”

Then my phone began to ring to prove me wrong. Slowly, one by one all of my friends cancelled their upcoming plans with yours truly. And all had the same reason “I’m writing a song for the contest.”

I was stunned in trifold because….
1) my friends were entering a cheesy contest
2) I had no plans for the weekend
3) Ham was correct.

With no plans on the horizon, I took Ham’s newspaper to my desk. On page A16, I found my new itinerary.

“Ham did you read this article about the monkey robberies?”
Ham concurred.
“97th monkey to disappear this month. Who knew the city had 97 monkeys!”

“And this article here?”
“7th musical instrument store robbery in last month! 97 instruments in total stolen.”
“97 monkeys and 97 musical instruments - there has to be a connection!”

Ham ignored me as I thought aloud.

“I mean, it’s far too odd to be a coincidence. Now who would want to steal monkeys and musical instruments?”

“Why of course… Le Grand Orange!”

“Now, where would someone store 97 monkeys and 97 musical instruments in the city? The zoos would be heavily guarded so it would need to be a farm. A farm in the city? Hmm…. I got it!”

Ham continued to ignore me.

“Ham, I’m off to solve the case of the 97 missing monkeys and 97 musical instruments!”

Before Ham could reply with sarcasm, I was off to the only farm in the city… Fantasy Farm!

Fantasy Farm is a cheesy banquet hall. It hasn’t been re-interior designed since the 1970’s thus it spends most of its days empty. Where else to stash 97 monkeys and 97 musical instruments than a swinging abandoned shag carpeted, banquet hall?”

I arrived at Fantasy Farm, staking out the place from the horse statue. Sure enough, although the place was closed… there were lights on inside.

I crept up to a window and took a peek. As usual I was correct. Inside was Le Grand Orange, 97 monkeys and 97 musical instruments. But there was something odd about the monkeys. It wasn’t that each monkey was chained to a desk but rather each musical instrument was also chained to a desk.

Before I could decipher the riddle, I was apprehended by a clan of French Canadien voyageur pirates and taken against my will (after all, who would wilfully go inside Fantasy Farm) inside.

“Oh la la, c’est Suzy TooToo, my old nemesis. Comment ca va? I guess you are wondering about my little operation here, n’est pas?”

“Oui.”

“It’s simple really. Nothing illegal. I’m just entering the Hockey Night in Canada theme song contest.”
“Et tu, Le Grand Orange?”

“But I’m no good at the writing of the songs. Thus I’ve asked some monkeys to help me.”
“Asked?”
“I say asked but you may say ‘monkeys with musical instrument chained to desks’. It’s all pomme de terres.”

“I still don’t get it Le Grand Orange. How can ordinary monkeys write a theme song to Hockey Night in Canada?”

“Suzy, Suzy, have you never heard the infinite monkey theorem?”
“No.”
“According to Wikipedia, the infinite monkey theorem states that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.”

“Pretty lame Le Grand Orange – even for you.”

“Oh Suzy, it’s elementary Statistical Mechanics. If a monkey typing for an infinite amount of time can complete the plays of Shakespeare than surely 1 of these 97 can write a thirty second song worthy of being the theme song of Hockey Night in Canada. Now tie her up and leave her in the corner next to the banana peels!”

I found myself tied up next a pile of banana peels watching chained monkeys playing and writing music. Although miserable it was still better than listening to Ham on his accordion!

I grabbed one of the peels and began to wipe the inside of the peel onto my wrists – creating a greasing action. As I was about to slid the rope over my wrists, I heard some monkey screaming following by some French Canadien pirate screaming.

“Formidable! I think this little monkey here has done it – with an infinite time to spare!”

The monkey played the song on his cello. To be honest, the little banana addict wrote a catching little ditty.

Le Grand Orange held up the monkey’s paw written sheet music.
“Release the monkeys and return the musical instruments! We have a winner for the Hockey Night in Canada theme song!”

“Oh and release my nemesis over there in the corner.”

In the next few months, you will begin to hear various entries into the Hockey Night in Canada theme song contest. There will be entries from across the country. They will flood your email, your TV and your favourite radio stations. However, I have a small request...

When you vote for the next Hockey Night in Canada theme song, please do not vote for Le Grand Orange’s song. Please do not let someone who violated monkey rights for the purposes of Statistical Mechanics be the winner. Please!

Scratch that – it comes down to Ham and the Le Grand Orange’s songs, vote for the Le Grand Orange. It’s worth sacrificing monkey rights if it means I don’t have to hear Ham’s stupid accordion again.