Kissing Brad Pitt
(October 11, 2006)

“Clive Owen”
“Orlando Bloom.”
“Denzel.”
“Oh David Spade – he’s so dreamy!”

It was time to end the madness among my monthly tea party friends.

“David Spade? No, no and no! My fellow princesses, there is only one true heart throb and his name is Brad Pitt”

There was a hush among my loyal subjects.

“Brad Pitt – the one who only dates his co-stars?”
“Brad Pitt – the one who gets the same haircut as his girlfriends?”
“Brad Pitt – the one who commits adultery?

“True he cheated on Rachel Green with that, that floozy Angelina Jolie, but Ladies, you are forgetting one key thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Legends of the Fall!”

“Ah, Legends of the Fall.” They said as they laid back in their wingback chairs to fantasise those long locks and shirtless body.

“Speaking of Brad Pitt, you know he is in the city tonight for the premiere of his festival film. I know this because I am doing an exclusive interview with him that can only be seen on Entertainment Tonight Canada!”

“Yes, yes Cheryl Hickey – you already told us that three times.”
“Hmmm….”
“What is it Suzy?”
“My fellow princesses, I, Suzy TooToo will kiss Brad Pitt tonight.”

There was another hush among my loyal subjects.

“How do you plan to do that?”
“I know someone who knows the entertainment business very well.”
“I’m flattered Suzy but it wouldn’t be an exclusive interview if I let any Mary-Jo Hart tag along to meet Brad Pitt with me. No offence but this is Entertainment Tonight Canada – Canada’s most Gemini nominated entertainment program since E Talk Daily and Kidsbeat.”
“Not you Cheryl Hickey. Ham.”

“Ham – the one who has that stupid internet magazine?
“Ham – the one who is always tricking you into a misadventure that only he alone can benefit from?
“Ham – the one who is obsessed with the colour orange?”

“Ladies, you are forgetting one key thing?”
“Hey – he wasn’t in Legends of the Fall!”
“No. Ham is the boyfriend of overrated Hollywood star Natalie Portman. He has lots of red carpet experience.”

I left the tea party to visit the much lower scale World of Ham Headquarters. Suprisingly Ham was keen to my idea.

“Not a problem Suzy, I was going down to the red carpet anyway to boo him.”
“12 Monkeys alive! Why?”
“I like to boo adulterers. It is one of my guilty pleasures. Do not look at me like that. You must have a guilty pleasure too.”
“Well, from time to time I have been known to wear black straight cut jeans but booing Brad Pitt?”

It was a mute point. He had agreed to meet me at the theatre at 7 PM which was the sole purpose of the visit.

With my objective accomplished, I skipped home and burrowed through my extensive wardrobe. After all, I had to find the perfect outfit for Brad. An extensive search later, my quest was fulfilled – pink shoes, purple skirt and a pink shirt. A quick raspberry muffin later and I was out the door strolling to the premiere.

When I arrived, I initially thought I was late as the crowds were enormously big with an atmosphere of chaos. Police officers, security guards, television reporters, television cameras, television trucks, fans on ledges, fans on rooftops, fans on… fans – it was controlled chaos at its finest. The street was entirely closed off to by the public by a football field of fencing. Seeing this enhanced controlled chaos, I worried that I would not be able to find Ham, that I had lost my chance to meet Brad Pitt. Then I saw the oddest thing. Up along the fence line was a man with a bright pink shirt whose red face was equally as bright. Upon further inspection, the bright man was Ham. I cut through the crowd to my accomplice.

“Ham! Why the pink? Where’s the traditional orange?”
“Umm…. Natalie – I told her why I was coming down here and she frowned. She’s trying to get a part in Ocean’s 14 so she can’t have her boyfriend spotted booing the movie’s producer and star.”
“Pink though?”
“Natalie said pink is as far away from orange as possible. I feel a little gay.”
“Really – because you looked completely gay.”
“Hmmm. Not good. I know what will cheer me up – a Cadbury Crème Egg.”

As Ham put the egg in his mouth someone pushed their way between us, causing Ham to bite his tongue.”
“Ow – I bit my tongue” he said with a lisp.

The first deluxe SUV drove down the street. There were gasps, chills and some faints as the car stopped in front of us. Before anyone left the limo, our intruder screamed “I love you Brad Pitt.” To the crowd’s disappointment, a group of non-Brad Pitts exited from the limo.

I looked at Ham who had chocolate on his face from the tongue-biting incident. I motioned to Ham the location of the chocolate by using my tongue on my face. Ham copied my tongue movements then popped another egg. Unbeknown to Ham, the intruder thought Ham was licking his lips at him.

“Excuse me, can I have one of those eggs?”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
As the intruder ate the egg, he looked at Ham.
“I just love eating crème, don’t you?”
I looked down to see the intruder place his hand on top of Ham’s. Ham panicked.

“AHHHHH!”

Being completely irrational at the harmless flirt, he tore apart the security fencing with Hulk-like homophobia and ran onto the street screaming “AHHHHHH”.

Murders of guards swarmed Ham and tackled him to the ground thus leaving Brad Pitt completely unsecured. My plan had worked perfectly. I turned to the intruder.
“Thanks Mishu. We’ll meet up after and you can tell me how acting school is going.”
“No problem Suzy – any paid gig is a good gig. Besides it was good practice for my audition in The Birdcage.”

I hopped the fence and slowly walked towards my kisser – all the while pretending that I belonged there. I even waived to the crowd and blew them Lindsay Lohan kisses.

I strolled up to Brad Pitt.
“I love your hair.” He said to me.

I kissed him on the cheek. Mission accomplished.
“Thank you.”
Security had gotten the Ham Homo Hulk situation under control. I waived to him as the paddy wagon left the theatre. Security, recognising that I did not belong there – quickly swarmed.

“Mr. Pitt do you know this woman?’
He put his strong muscular arm around me.
“No, but she’s with me.”
“That’s all we needed to hear Mr. Pitt.”
As we walked into the theatre, I screamed to shocked Cheryl Hickey.

“Only Suzy TooToo Canada can bring you the exclusive behind the scenes look at how I kissed Brad Pitt! "

Brad Pitt interupts my tea party jealous rant by whispering into my ear.
“I don’t suppose you want to adopt an African child with me?”