Attack of the Lazy Monkeys
(November 18, 2004)
Warning: This misadventure may not be suitable for my younger fans

I have a good friend in the gene business.  Fredrick Von Fredricks and I met back at our alma mater, Scarborough U, way back in our first year Biology class, as my tutor.  However not even the genius of Freddy Von Freddy could help me pass Bio.  Over time, I shifted from the world of mitosis to flowers and expose reporting while Freddy V stayed focused on biology.  Now, I'm a wildly successful unpaid reporter and Freddy V is a well paid genist.

His latest experiment involves monkeys.  I knew this because I received a rather bizarre email from him.  There was no body to the email - just the subject line of "Save me from the monkeys Suzy".

Upon reading his email, I immediately called his loft / lab but received no answer.  I put on my yellow raincoat, and hat complete with yellow rubber boots, took out my pink umbrella and make the trek, through the rain, over to Freddy's loft.  I stood outside in the rain, ringing his buzzer but to no avail.  Finally one of Freddy's fellow tenants came back to the building.

"Are you buzzing the loft?"
"Yes, I am.  How did you know?"
"He never buzzes people up.  He's so lazy."

The tenant let me into the building.  I walked over to the loft elevator.  The floor was sticky and had an odd stench to it.  I took it up, stench and all, to the loft.  I pulled back the elevator cage door to a horrible discovery.

The loft was a disaster area complete with pudding on the walls and monkeys in diapers everywhere.  To my right, under a table, was Freddy, curled up in the fetal position.  I ran over to my friend.

"What happened Freddy?"
"The monkeys they were... oh Suzy, my experiment went terrifically wrong."
"What was your experiment?"
"I was trying to map the energetic gene.  Something to make the human race more productive.  Imagine a world where people don't sit around doing nothing - don't procrastinate.  Imagine how much farther we could be well off if we worked harder."

"Oh."  I didn't want to tell my friend how depressing that sounded.
"I was having problems mapping the 'go-getter' gene so I thought if I could map the lazy gene then the opposite would have to be the go-getter."

"You mean..." I looked at all the monkeys
"Yes, all of these monkeys have had their Lazy Gene stimulated."

I looked around his loft.  There were 10 monkeys scattered throughout.  Some were sleeping on the rugs, others were staring aimlessly out of the windows, others were curled up on the couch watching television.  All the monkeys were doing absolutely nothing.

Usually monkeys are screaming and hopping moving around like a kid on kool-aid.  The quietness of Freddy's apartment was disturbing.  All of a sudden there was monkey chatter.

"No, just get off the couch and pick up the remote."  Freddy yelled at his lazy monkeys.
"I can't take much more of this."  

He stood up, walked to the centre of the loft, picked up the remote control and tossed it to one of the monkeys on the couch.  The monkey changed the channel on the TV as Freddy moped back to me.

"Are they watching Young and the Restless?"
"Yes.  They tend to switch between that and Days of our Lives.  These monkeys do nothing all day.  They are so lazy.  I have to spoon food each one of them, tuck them into bed, bathe them, change their diapers - by the end of the day, I'm too tired to analyse the data.  I'm even too tired to answer the phone or buzzer downstairs."
"If you're too tired, maybe you have the lazy gene as well."

Freddy gave me the evil eye.  He did not like my joke.

"What's with the diapers anyway?"
"It's exactly what you think they are for."
"Really?"
"Yes, they are too lazy to go to the washroom.  I've been so tired, I've haven't been able to wash off the pee from the elevator floor.  You didn't take the elevator did you?"
I looked across the loft at my yellow rubber boots.
"Not any more, Freddy..."

I thought about the toilet training comment for a moment.

"You mean these monkeys could use a toilet before you stimulated the lazy gene?"
"Yes, I took 10 of the smartest monkeys in the country.  These monkeys were like Albert Einmonkey, Astromonkeys - Stephen Hawking in monkey form."
"Oh, is that why that one in the corner is in a wheel chair?  He can't walk - just like Stephen Hawking?"
"No, that monkey is just too lazy to walk."

"I'm so screwed."
"How long is your experiment?"
"Until I find the go-getter gene. It's not looking good."

"You know the only non-lazy thing they did was to form a union?"
"What?"
"They formed the LMU - Lazy Monkey Union."

I laughed.

"I'm serious Suzy.  The LMU is now part of the Canadian Auto Workers Union.  Every Wednesday a CAW union rep shows up.  He checks out the place to make sure the conditions are satisfactory to his members, then they sit over in the corner and have a meeting... and I'm not allowed to attend because I'm management."

"Wait, the lazy monkeys can talk?"
"Sure they can, after all they are super smart monkeys.  They just choose not to.  They're too lazy to talk so they just listen to their union rep."

I thought to myself "What would make monkeys become go-getters?".  I thought and thought, while Freddy V made dinner for the lazy monkeys.  Finally I had it.

"Freddy!  Freddy!"
"Yes Suzy."  he peeked his head in from around the kitchen door.
"Are all the monkeys male?"
"Yes, I wanted to keep certain constraints."
"Then, I know how to fix your problem."
"Really?  How?"

I walked over to the elevator and locked the door.  I picked up my trusty pink umbrella and strolled towards the monkey with the remote control on the couch.

"Well if they are all males..."

I picked up my umbrella with both hands.

"Then they don't like to be hit in the genitals with an umbrella."

I swung for the fences and connected with the lazy monkey's genitals. The monkey screamed and jumped off the couch.  He ran to the blackboard and began writing mathematical equations.  

"E-gat.  Amazing work Suzy.  I never thought to smash a monkey's genitals before."
"Well, Freddy V, I have thought of it - many times."

I walked over to Freddy's stereo system.
"You still have that Weird Al CD entitled 45 minutes of Fame?"
"Yes, it's there."
I found the CD and put song 13 on repeat.  It is the song "Monster Mash" only it's entitled "Monkey Mash".

I danced around the loft using my umbrella as a microphone, baton, guitar and finally - deadly monkey genitals weapon.  

I danced to the next monkey and BANG - he was doing jumping jacks in the corner.   BANG, BANG - two monkeys were now doing dishes in the kitchen.

It wasn't much of a challenge hitting lazy monkey genitals.  They were too lazy to get out of the way.  It was a lot like swapping flies on a cold day.  BANG - lazy monkey was dusting.  BANG - lazy monkey was reading a psych book.  BANG - the Albert Einmonkey ran to another chalkboard and wrote an equation.

"E = mc3?  What's this?"
I hit his genitals again.  The monkey quickly erased the 3 and wrote the correct 2.
"That's better."

The only monkey left was the Stephen Hawking monkey in a wheel chair.  He saw me coming and started trying to move his chair.  It was no use - his arms could not handle the sudden physical activity.  He fell from the chair.  

For a moment I felt sorry for the little lazy monkey, lying on his tummy, his arms outstretched ahead of him, his tongue sticking out.  Only for a moment though as I saw him open his left eye to look at me.  That lazy monkey!  He was faking!  I wound up with my umbrella and BANG - the monkey slid across Freddy V's hardwood floor against the elevator cage door.  He stood up dazed.

"Go make me a pizza now, lazy Stephen Hawking monkey."

It saluted me and hobbled into the kitchen.

"Suzy TooToo, you are simply amazing.  You are like a medieval knight or something.  A lazy monkey slayer.  I owe you huge.  How can I ever repay you?"

At this moment the elevator cage door opened.  It was the CAW union rep.
"Oh no, what happened?  Why are you working?  All of you stop right now.  No more working."
He opened his briefcase and held up some papers.
"We had an agreement.  The Lazy Monkey Union."

The monkeys respected me over their union master.
"As President of the Lazy Monkey Union, I command you to stop."

I stood behind the annoying commander and raised my umbrella.  BANG - down one Lazy Monkey Union President.  I turned to Freddy V. "letting me hit that guy was payback enough for me.  Oh, and a pizza."

"Now, WHERE'S OUR PIZZA, you lazy monkey.  I'm hungry!"