Me       :

When you woke up early this morning and watched the nominations on television, you must have been stunned not to hear your name.

Melinda:

I was stunned.  I thought I had a great chance at a nomination.  I mean I directed it, wrote it and produce it - that's 3 possible nominations right there.

Me       :

Why do you think you should have been nominated?

Melinda:

The story.  It's your classic good vs. evil revenge plot story which Oscar seems to love.  

Me       :

I have renowned film critic Roger Ebert's review of your film and he says quote "imagine the worst movie ever made, then multiply it by infinity and you've got Malassie the Kung Fu Dog."  Was he too harsh?

Melinda:

Everyone has their own opinion, I just completely disagree with him.  You know, Leonard Maltin, from Entertainment Tonight, gave Forest Gump bad reviews and it won a bunch of Oscars.

Me       :

Yes, Leonard Maltin wrote "from the direction to the writing to the fake paw on a stick performing kung fu, this movie is awful."  What does he mean by "fake paw on a stick performing kung fu?"

Melinda:

I looked everywhere for a dog who knew kung fu, but I couldn't find one.  I find one who knew karate, but the movie's not titled Malassie the Karate Dog.  I tried teaching a dog kung fu but that didn't work.  I tried tying strings to the dog's legs and using it like a puppet, the kind of puppet Pinochio was, but that's didn't work either. 

Me       :

So did you really put a fake paw on a stick for the kung fu action scenes?

Melinda:

People can interpret it anyone they want.  Special effects cost a lot of money and we were on a small budget.

Me       :

I thought you had 25 million dollars to work with?

Melinda:

Yes, but not all of that went into the movie.

Me       :

Where did it go?

Melinda:

Well, I'm currently battling a gambling problem and three law suits.  I am addicted to buying lottery tickets.  I can't stop.  I tried baby steps, you know starting with something small, but Encore is too appealing.  I knew someone once who won 100 000 dollars with the Encore so you just have to play it.  Just have to.  It stupid not to really.  

Me       :

And the lawsuits?

Melinda:

First the producers of Lassie are suing me because of the title.  They claim Malassie is too close to Lassie.

Me       :

Where did you get the name Malassie from?

Melinda:

Well, the original title of the movie was Lassie the Kung Fu Dog but then I found out Lassie was a famous dog - I really had no idea.  The artwork for the movie was already done so I simply added a Ma in front to change the name.  Isn't Lassie dead anyway?  How can I get sued by a dead dog?  I don't think Lassie has a case on this one.  

Me       :

What is the second lawsuit?

Melinda:

This one is bogus too.  The animal rights people are suing me for the tying strings to a dog's legs.  They say its "Animal Cruelty".  I say it's a dedicated actor willing to go the extra mile for the film.  Besides I took off the strings wasn't I realized it wasn't going to work.

Me       :

The third?

Melinda:

Animal rights people again.  The original Malassie was hit by a car during filming a scene.  Once again, this is bogus.  Yes the original Malassie died but I intend to prove it died of a weak heart and not the 80 km/h minivan.  It was a standard scene really, all Malassie had to do was run across 8 lanes of traffic in one shot.  I thought she could do it.  She did 7 lanes in rehearsal.

Me       :

I was going to ask you about that.  Midway through the movie the dog changes from a poodle to a doberman.  Is this why?

Melinda:

Yeah the original Lassie, I mean Malassie, died during production.  I couldn't find another dog because the animal rights people were complaining so much about "the real live puppet dog" and the dead dog so I had no choice but to use my own dog.

Me       :

But the dogs switch back and forth throughout the movie. 

Melinda:

Suzy, movies are not filmed in sequence.  They are filmed by location.  I couldn't go back and reshoot all the scenes.

Me       :

Now for the blind girl you casted twins for one part.

Melinda:

Yes, child labour laws demand a child can only be on set for so many hours a day.  It's common, when the main character is a child, to use twins.  This way you can sub the girls, in and out, and get twice as many set hours for the same character.

Me       :

But they weren't identical twins.

Melinda:

Identical twins who can act are hard to find.  These girls, Terri and Mary are great actors.  I'll take acting over appearance any day.

Me       :

One was six inches taller.

Melinda:

Just because they are twins doesn't mean they hit puberty at the same time.

Me       :

But one spoke with a Australian accent.

Melinda:

Oh they were separated at birth.  Mary lived with her mother in Australia for a time.  But their parents are back together now.

Me       :

One of Roger Ebert's biggest complaints was that the blind girl wore glasses.  Why would a blind girl need glasses?

Melinda:

For style.  She was covering up the fact that she was blind.

Me       :

Same with the wristwatch?

Melinda:

Yes

Me       :

Now when I watched it, I saw the blind girl look both ways before crossing the street with her dog.  That seemed odd to me.

Melinda:

Once again, Suzy, style.  She doesn't want to appear blind.

Me       :

Wouldn't the seeing eye dog give that away?

Melinda:

I don't think so.  People aren't observant.  They're dumb really.  Look at the Oscars.  They saw my movie and didn't nominate it.  The Oscars suck - it's all about who you know.  It's tough for independent films to succeed.  With all the marketing material the big movies have and all the showings it's not fair.  It's not fair for us little guys, the guys battling the fat cat Lassie lovers and the crazy cat animal rights people.  Come on, he made it across 7 lanes in rehearsal.  What was one more?  I mean really.  All I want to do is make movies, earn a pay check and win a few Oscars.

Me       :

And buy lottery tickets?

Melinda:

Yes, and buy lottery tickets.  Is that too much to ask?