March Madness
(March 18, 2007)
Warning: This misadventure may not be suitable for my younger fans

Upon entering World of Ham headquarters to submit my latest expenses, I found Ham, face down on his desk. Although I couldn’t see his face, I knew it was paler than his normal ghostly self. I inquired into his problem.

“Oh Suzy, I lost a lot of money last night.”
“You were robbed!”
“You could say that.”
“What happened?”
“Duke lost! The college powerhouse of the Duke Blue Devils – three time national champions – the predominant pick for every March Madness office pool – did the unthinkable – they lost in the first round!”

“To who?”
“VCU.”
“What’s VCU?”
“I don’t know!”

I wanted to make fun of Ham but I could tell he was low on spirit. I left my expenses on his desk and walked to the church gymnasium.

For years I was the superstar of the church basketball league – winning the Father Jordan trophy (league MVP) three times. However this all changed two years ago with a spectacular dunk. The problem was I dunked over the head of a nun who fell and sprained her ankle. A suspension followed. So from time to time, I attend the church league games but only as a fan.

As I watched the teams play I couldn’t help but notice a sadness drifting through the gymnasium. Everyone – coaches, players, even the referees seemed sad. After the game, I made this observation to my former teammate Zeke.

“Why of course we are all sad Suzy. Duke lost last night.”
“I don’t understand. It’s just one game.”
“Don’t you get it? Everybody’s March Madness pool is ruined. Duke is always good for winning one game.”
“That’s why it’s so bad in here?”
“If you think this is bad, you should check out the student dorms at the University. Everyone is in despair. A lot of student loan money bid sayonara last night.”

“Imagine the skyscrapers! Every office in every building has a March Madness office pool. It’s all over. I wouldn’t be surprised to see our GDP go down a few points because of this.”

“Surely someone made out okay?”
“Oh I guess, the bookies, government gambling programs and that guy who picked VCU to win.”
“What guy?”

He retrieved the front page of the newspaper from his retro 1970s Adidas gym bag.
“This guy! His picture was on the front page. Apparently he bet $100 on VCU and is now a millionaire.”

I looked at the picture.
“Hmm… Padraig O’Hallohan.”

“I think I have a great idea to help everyone.”
I walked towards the exit to execute my idea. But before I left I turned to Zeke and asked.

“Say, what does VCU mean anyway?”
“I have no idea.”

I skipped back to World of Ham and told Ham my great idea. I would approach the new millionaire and ask him to sponsor a charity 3-on-3 game between the Duke Blue Devils and a group of celebrities. The money raised would be distributed to the ticket holders who lost money from the VCU game.

Ham loved my idea. He would look after the celebrities (after all he is dating Natalie Portman) and I would look after Duke. The game would be played on the next Saturday afternoon at the local church gymnasium.

Ham contacted Natalie who agreed to play and bring two of her friends. I contacted Duke who were more than willing to send their team to a “good publicity” event. All that was left was the millionaire.

I tracked down the millionaire rather easily. Apparently since winning, he hasn’t left his local Irish pub; The Lucky Leprechaun. I caught him just after he ordered a steak marinated in Guinness as an appetiser.

“Mr. O’Hallohan.”
“Miss Suzy TooToo, call me Paddy. Please have a seat. You know this is the first time I have been alone all week. Everyone asking me for money. Everyone wanting to party with the Big P.”
“Well Paddy I’m afraid I’m no different.”
“Really? Well I don’t mind partying with a pretty burr like yourself.”
“I’m flattered but I meant the money.”
“Oh I don’t mind paying for your company. I bet you’re worth it.”
“No, no, no I mean I would like you to sponsor the Duke Blue Devils Basketball team to play a charity game against a bunch of celebrities. The money raised would go to people who picked Duke in their March Madness Office Pool.”
“Sounds like good karma – repay the ones who helped me with my fortune. Just send me Duke’s expenses.”

Before I left, I had to ask Paddy.
“How did you know Duke was going to lose?”
“Luck of the Irish I guess. St. Patty’s Day came a little early for me.”
“And who is VCU?”
“Got me.”

The day of the charity game arrived. Natalie and her friends stayed with Ham. The Duke team arrived Friday night and stayed at the local Super 8. I arrived at the motel early Saturday morning to escort them to the gym.

I was horrified as I walked down their hallway.

Beer bottles here, beer bottles there, beer bottles everywhere. Some were empty, some were full and most were smashed. There was shaving cream on the hallway walls, overturned pizza slices on the carpet and smashed lamps into windows.

Seeing no one in sight, I yelled
“Where is the Duke team? I’m hear to escort them.”

A head popped out of a room.
“Did I hear the word Escort?”
Four more heads appeared from the rooms. All approached me. Their appearance shocked me (boxers and white tank tops) but I quickly realised why they lost the basketball game. Sure they were muscular but they didn’t look like a basketball team. Nobody was over six feet tall and they were all white – two things Marv Albert taught me that you don’t see on winning basketball teams. If I squinted my eyes, I swear the five basketball players transformed into five silver spoons.

“I’m Suzy TooToo and I’m your escort for the day.”
“For who?”
“Why all of you.”
“For how long?”
“For the entire day.”
There was a loud hooray.

The leader stepped inward from the surrounding circle.
“So Suzy, what do you have planned for us?”
“Well I guess we’ll start with a practice session – you know so you can get the rust off…”

“Believe me I have no rust.”
“I mean to practice and try some new moves. After all you want to look good in front of the crowd.”
“There’ll be people watching?”

“Sure, after all it’s not everyday you see Duke play Natalie Portman.”
“True we’ve played soriety girls and strippers but never Natalie Portman! I’m liking this already.”

“Before we go, why don’t we play a little right here?”
“In the hallway? You have nets?”
“Sure we’ve got balls too.”
“You play net and see if we can put our stick between your…”

“BOYS! BOYS! You are early risers.”
A man in his early sixties with a suit, a bow tie and an old leather briefcase entered the hallway.
“You must be Suzy TooToo. I’m Clarke O’Hara, supervisor and attorney for the team.”

I exchanged introductions with the lawyer.
“What is your role with the team?”
“Chiefly legal advice.”
“Why does a college team need legal advice?”
“Well with all the happenings the university felt it best that the team travels with a lawyer.”
“You mean losing to VCU and all?”

A boy interrupted.
“Who do you think we are?”
“Why the Duke Blue Devil Basketball Team of course. Who else would I invite to a charity basketball game?”

“I don’t know Miss but you invited the Duke Blue Devil Lacrosse Team.” The lawyer responded.
“What did you say to the school?” he inquired.
“I told them I wanted the team that was in controversy. I said it would be good for their image if they played a charity game.”
“You wanted controversy, you got controversy – the Duke Blue Devil Lacrosse Team.”

I called Ham.
“Who are the Duke Blue Devil Lacrosse Team?”
“Oh a bunch of preppy rapists who…”
“Rapists!”

The boys started shouting at me.
“We’re no rapists.”
“Miss, these boys were acquitted of those wild accusations.”

Ham continued.
“Yeah but the girl dropped the charges. They think someone got to her. Why?”
“Cause I have them in the motel lobby.”
“This is not good.”

I hung up the phone.
“Yes not good.”
Everyone stared at me.
“I’m surrounded by rapists!”

“Miss if you persist to call them rapists we have no choice but to forfeit your charity game and go home.”

“Do you even know how to play basketball?”
“Sure it’s just like lacrosse except not as violent – and we get more girls – more girls than Shawn Kemp!”
“It doesn’t matter, I can’t bring rapists to a church gym.”

“For the last time Miss, if you call the young gentlemen rapists again we will be forced to lay charges.”
“Charges for what?”
“Slander.”
“But it’s only slander if it’s not true.”

He had no reply.
“Umm… does this mean you won’t be our escort? Cause I was really looking forward to seeing you naked.”

I took a deep breath.
“You guys are going home immediately. I highly recommend you clean this place and pay for the damages. Actually you’re paying for your rooms too.”
“And if we say no?” The leader snapped.
“Then I’m taking the surveillance tape from the hallway. I’m sure there were lots of stuff that went on here last night that Duke University does not want sent to Anderson Cooper 360.”

“Not AC 360!”

I left the motel and met Ham and Natalie at the church gym. We discussed different scenarios. Natalie could get us one more celebrity friend but it still left us two short.

“Oh woe-is-me, what are we going to do? We need something with hype.” Ham cried.
“I got it. I’ll talk to Sister Matilda.”
“The nun whose ankle you broke?”
“Sprained. It was a sprain. If she and I were on opposite teams, it might just create the buzz we are looking for.”

With no other reasonable plan (Ham wanted to rent a few Ewoks), Father O’Brien coaxed Sister Matilda into making her basketball return.

As tip-off tip approached it became apparent that we had a full house. As I tied my Air Nash’s in the basement change room, I could hear the stomping of the crowd. My team consisted of me, Natalie and some female celebrity. Sister Matilda’s was sandwiched between two other celebrities. After the first five minutes, it was evident that Sister Matilda and I were the best players on the court.

As relaxed as I took the game (after all it was a charity game), Sister Matilda took the game as seriously. By halftime, she stopped passing the ball. She shot threes from downtown, in the corner, beyond the arc and from the half – making all of them. By the end of the third quarter, I had had enough. I called a time-out.

“Girls we are getting smoked out there.”
“But it’s only a game.”
“It’s time to teach Sister Matilda who is the true basketball star.”
“But it’s only a game.”
“It’s time for Shaq Suzy.”
“But it’s only a game.”
“Yes, a game to the death!”

Shaq Suzy arrived for the last quarter and boy did I showcase my talents. Threes here, threes there, threes everywhere. Two handed dunks, one handed dunks, reverse-through-the-legs power dunks – I dunked it all.

Slowly but surely, we (I mean me) climbed back into the game. With only 10 seconds left we were down by two and had the ball. Natalie in bounded the ball to me and I dribbled up the middle of court. Standing at the top of the three point circle was Sister Matilda. With the lack of time, I wouldn’t be able to go the left or right of her. I had only one option – to go over top of her.

As I approached the three point line I began my flight into history. I soared over Sister Matilda, the foul line, the other players and dunked the ball with zero time left. I Suzy TooToo, dunked a three ball!

As the crowd and I cheered my heroics, the paramedics came onto the floor. Back at my lift-off point was Sister Matilda lying like a sack of potatoes on the ground. Father O’Brien approached me.

“Suzy, you did it again. She broke her ankle.”
I was about to correct him, as it couldn’t be again because last time her ankle was only sprained.
“We have no choice but to suspend you until Sister Matilda returns to the court.”
“But when will that be?”
“We have no idea.”

Once Wimpy Sister Matilda was taken away, we set up a table at courtside. One by one, March Madness poolies approached and we paid them their losses from the funds raised. Finally, it was Ham’s turn.

“So Ham who much did you lose?”
“Five dollars.”
“Five dollars?”
“Yes, five dollars please.”
“I thought you lost a lot of money.”
“I did. I lost five dollars.”
“You mean I put in a week of volunteer time and possibly got suspended for life so that you could have five dollars! I felt sorry for you. You told me you were robbed!”
“I was robbed. VCU robbed me of my office pool victory.”

“I don’t suppose you want to play some one-on-one on the court? I feel like breaking someone else’s ankle.”