The Mugger
(May 1, 2006)

My friends always tell me “Suzy, you are too pretty to be walking home at night. One night something is going to happen to you and you’ll regret it.”

Although I concur with the first half of their statement, I adamantly oppose the latter. I’ve survived British Customs, angry mob attacks and Bill Clinton – surely I can survive walking home.

However, one night walking home from a John Ferguson Jr. tribute dinner, my friends’ fears for me came true. It was your typical foggy night and I felt a sudden cool breeze on the back of my neck. Before I could turn around, I felt a jab in the middle of my back and a whisper in my ear.

“Give me all your money!”
“Excuse me?”

“Give me all your money and you won’t get hurt!”
“How could you hurt me?”

I felt a harder jab.

“Listen I’m not joking. You are being mugged.”
“Why clean out my piggy bank and call me centless!”

“Listen give me your money now!”
“Not without a guarantee that I won’t get hurt.”

“I’m the mugger and as such I give the demands.”
“Is that so?”

I kicked my mugger in the shin with one of my high heel shoes. As he jumped back in pain I quickly turned, faced my mugger and removed the mace from my purse.

“Now give me all YOUR money!”

“What?”
“I’m mugging you – you, you mugger. Now I get to give the demands!”

The mugger stared in amazement. I don’t think he had ever met a fellow mugger, especially one as pretty as me.

“Is your name Suzy?”
“Why yes it is.”
“Suzy TooToo?”
“Why yes.”

He put his weapon away.
“Wow you are even prettier in person.”
Even though I was puzzled, I concurred with my mugger’s accurate statement.

“How do you know me?”
“I’m a loyal World of Ham reader.” He said as he walked away.

“Hey! You aren’t going to mug me?”
“Nah.”
“Is it because my reports are that good?”

“No but it does have to do with your reports. In your reports, you are always begging that nice Ham guy for money. Therefore I know you are broke – broke as a bum.”

Before I could defend myself, my mugger had vanished into the fog.