Suzy TooToo in "Plastic Bag Ban"

Plastic Bag Ban
(June 11, 2007)

Recently the Ontario Government announced its plastic bag reduction program. I recently sat down with someone who was upset with the new ban. Due to confidentially I cannot mention his name however I can include a transcript of our conversation.

Me	“So why are you so upset about the plastic bag ban?”
Mr. X	“Because it’s going to effect my income. I need plastic bags to survive.”
Me	“Why is it exactly that you do?”
Mr. X	“I’m a Heaven Helper.”
Me	“What’s that?”
Mr. X	“Well I’m sent to people and help them reach Heaven.”
Me	"How?"
Mr. X	“I help them start their final journey.”
Me	“You mean you kill them?”
Mr. X	"Yes."
Me	“So you’re a murderer?”
Mr. X	“No, it’s my job. A murderer does it for free. I earn a living doing it.”
Me	“So you are a hit man.”
Mr. X	“Like I said I prefer Heaven Helper.”
Me	“So what’s wrong with plastic bag ban?”
Mr. X	“I do all of my helping via the plastic bag.”
Me	“Gross!”
Mr. X	“Not really when you think about it. I mean stabbing and shooting leaves an awful mess. Plastic bags over the face leave no mess. Especially the Loblaws bags. They are so thick that it reduces my worktimes – I can get a lot more done in an evening."
Me	“I didn’t want to know that.”
Mr. X	“What’s wrong with the bags? They are perfect. Think about it - stabbing and shooting require weapons that are easy to trace. You can’t trace a plastic bag. They are everywhere.”
Me	“I think that’s why they are banning them because they are everywhere.”
Mr. X	“So are guns but they aren’t banning them.”
Me	“Actually I think guns are banned too.”
Mr. X	“Oh, so if guns are banned and I can find a gun almost anywhere then when bags are banned, I’ll be able to find them anywhere too. Then the mayor will get on the media wagon and state something like ‘we need tougher plastic bag laws’ and will probably suggest jail time. If a politician isn’t going to make it tougher for a gun offender to leave jail, I doubt they’ll make it tougher for a plastic bag offender. So I guess in the end I’m still okay to earn a paycheque.”
Me	“Yeah, I guess so. So what you’re saying is that a law that doesn’t have repercussions for breaking it, isn’t really a law of anything.”
Mr. X	“What do I care? I still get to be a Heaven Helper.”

Mr. X	“That reminds me, I have a job to do tonight. Do you know where there is a Loblaws? I need a few supplies.”
Me	“There is one a few blocks south from here. You can cross the street up at the intersection.”
Mr. X	“Use the crosswalk? Ha, I’ll just jaywalk. I love laws that are all bark with no bite.”