Revenge of the Spam
(May 9th, 2007)

It began when I was checking my emails at World of Ham headquarters.

“You’ve got 638 emails!” the computer told me.

“638 emails! I should have known my popularity was growing so rapidly. So many fans and so little time to respond to each one.”

I glanced through my emails.
“Super Sumo Wrestlers Fan Club? Seal Hunt Association of Ontario? Monkeys Against Climate Change? Hey, these are all newsletters! I never signed up for any of their e-newsletters let alone heard of any of these organisations. What’s going on? And why don’t I have any fan mail?”

Ham appeared from his office.
“Suzy, how many emails did you receive today?”
“638 – none of which are fan mail.”
“Have you gone on any dates the past week?”
“Just one but I never returned his follow-up call. It wasn’t going to work out.”
“Then you’ve been attacked by Revenge-of-the-Spam.com.”

“Oh the humanity! Wait, what is revenge of the spam?”

“You know the priest down at Saint Diego’s Church?”
“You mean Father Jesus?”
“Yes, but its pronounced Father He-sus. Anyway he has a brother named James.”
“Jesus has a brother named James?”
“Return from your tangent Suzy. Father Jesus has a brother called James who goes by Jimmy – Jimmy Sanchez. Jimmy runs his own internet business. Can you guess the name of the company?”
“I may have been attacked by 638 emails of spam but I’m not stupid. He owns Revenge of the Spam…. right?”

Ham explained the company.
“Basically anyone can go to the company with an email address – and for $100 Revenge of the Spam will sign up the email address for as many e-newsletters as possible.”
“Is that legal?”
“Technically yes, morally no.”
“How do you know so much about the website? Did you have a scorned former girlfriend?”
“No, I’m an investor in Revenge of the Spam. Pretty good ROI too. Appears lots of people get messed over by people like you.”

I began to go through each email to unsubscribe to their e-newsletter. Each time the newsletter unsubscribe link would lead me to an error page. It was clear that it was impossible to unsubscribe to the e-newsletters.

In frustration, I yelled, “I’m shocked Ham and Spam rhyme – after all both are so annoying.”

“Oh Suzy, those e-newsletters never have their unsubscribe links working. It’s a trick to make you stay on the distribution list. World of Ham does it too.”

“Why spank me with a spatula, what am I to do?”
“I guess flag all 638 emails as Junk mail.”
“No, I’m just going to visit Jimmy Sanchez and hang him out of his office window.”
“Or you could do that.”

Ham gave me the directions and I immediately stomped to the Revenge-of-the-Spam headquarters. As I stomped into the reception area, the receptionist gave me a dirty look.
“I am here to see Jimmy Sanchez!”
“Your name?”
“Miss Suzy TooToo”
“What’s this in regards to?”
“I’m here to hang your boss out of his office window!”
“Do you have an appointment?”
“Not at all!”
“Just a moment please.”

She rang Jimmy and a small conversation transpired.
“You can see Mr. Sanchez on one condition. You can’t hurt him.”
I pondered the deal.

“Miss? It’s been five minutes.”
“I will hang him out of the window but he will not be hurt.”

A man appeared from behind a thick wooden door. He was nicely groomed in his three-piece suit.
“Suzy TooToo, come on in.”
“Jimmy Sanchez?”
“For sure. Say, how’s my biggest shareholder Ham doing?”
“Just hamtastic.”

I followed Jimmy into his office. It was a swell corner office over looking the street. The office was covered floor to ceiling in old wood panelling. On the walls were his numerous college diplomas and pictures of him with people. I looked closely at the photos – expecting to see presidents, queens or celebrities - I was shocked to recognise no one. The people didn’t even look cool – they all looked a little dorky – a little Hamish.

“Who are these people?”
“Clients. Have a seat Suzy.”

We each sat down in my lower chair.

“So how can I help you?”
I told him my predicament.

“638 emails, huh? Ham was right that does sound like us. It is our policy here at Revenge of the Spam that no one knows the email addresses – not even me. We scan a hand written email address from the client. The computer reads the sheet and generates the email address. It ingenious.”
“Yes, I’m glad you’ve perfected spamming me.”

“Well there is one way to get off the list. At the client’s request, we can remove the email address from the system. Do you know who is doing this to you?”
“If I did, I would try to hang them out of a window.”

“Let me ask you this – have you been on any dates in the past week?”
“Just one – its been a slow week.”
“Did it go well?”
“Okay I guess.”
“Are you going out again with him?”
“Na, it just wasn’t to be.”
“Does the fellow know that?”
“He should – I never called him back.”
“Oh Suzy, you didn’t tell him directly. For shame Miss TooToo.”

“I came here for solutions not lectures.”
“Only the client can remove you from our system – and our spamming packages begin with one year program.”

“A year of 638 spam emails each day! This is bad.”
“No worries – just call him up and explain the situation.”
“Oh, call him, right…”
“You do have his phone number right?”
“No, I deleted it.”
“Well just look up his name in the phone book.”
“You do know his name right?”
“Umm… yeah, Jason something.”

“Surely you talked during dinner. I’m sure he told you something about himself – maybe where he works. That might be helpful in tracking him down.”
“Hmm… I don’t quite remember.”

“Do you remember what he looked like?”
“Of course.”

“Figures.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means you didn’t call him back based on his appearance. If you can’t remember anything about him, including his name – except for his appearance then it is apparent that you didn’t like him because of his appearance. Very shallow Suzy.”

“Looks like you are stuck with the emails for a year. If only you remembered his name huh?”
“Yeah, if only.”

“Here’s my card – just in case what goes around comes around. Remember we don’t ask any questions – just drop off an email address and $100 and we’ll do the rest.”

He walked me to his office door.

“It was nice to see you again Suzy.”
“What do you mean again?”

“You don’t remember me, do you?”
“Should I?”
“About five years ago we dated for two months. Then one day you stopped returning my phone calls. How did you think I came up with the idea of Revenge of the Spam?”

He slammed the door in my face before I could respond or hold him out of his window.

I smiled at the receptionist.
“I’d like to place an order.”
“Sure we just need an email address and $100.”

I paid the receptionist the money.
“Now please write the email address on this sheet. Remember it is our policy not to look at the email address. Our computer will directly scan it into our email software and that email address will receive 638 emails per day for a year.”

I retrieved a business card from my purse and wrote the following email address:

Jimmy@revengeofthespam.com