Secret Beach
(July 14, 2004)
Warning: This misadventure may not be suitable for my younger fans

Boy, oh boy, do I not like this weather we have been having lately - with all the humidity, smog and scorching temperatures.  I'm much more of a springtime person with the daffodils and the feeling of thankfulness for a 10 degree sunshine.

When it heats up like this, I usually camp out in my bathroom, closing the door, withdrawing myself from society to the nice cool air stream from the central air in my place.  Sometimes during the big heat waves I move my furniture and television into the bathroom.

One day, I told my cooling technique to my pal Tabitha who immediately responded.

"No wonder you are always so white Suzy.  What you need to do is head out to the island, to the beach.  The breeze off the lake is like... well there is nothing like it Suzy."

"Where on the island?"

"That's the best part Suzy.  It's a secret beach.  Only a select few know the whereabouts of the best beach in the city."

This intrigued me, the notion of a smog free breeze blowing through my hair, cooling me down instantaneously while I looked out onto the lake - all on a secret beach.  It intrigued me so much that the next hot smoggy day, I packed my bag and headed to the island.

The water between the island and the mainland looked so refreshing that I wanted to dive right in the lake all during the 15 minute ferry ride.  I managed to resist my urges long enough for the ferry to dock on the island.  I followed Tabitha's directions to the secret beach location.  I walked past the gigantic Ned Hanlan statue (apparently some famous sports guy), down the paved walking path until I found the set of old birch trees on the north end of the island just as she had described.  I knew I had the right place because a sign was posted forbidding photography.  It had to be a secret beach!

I walked though the bush under grown of the birch trees to a magical area.  The cool breeze hit me as I came down the little sand dune evaporating all sweat and humidity from my body.  The secret beach was rather secret indeed as those few people who were there, were mainly swimming in the lake.

I skipped along the wet sand to let the waves tickle my toes as they crashed onto the island.  After skipping along the beach, I picked my spot, isolated in the middle of the beach without a soul within 50 feet of me in all directions.  I unrolled my pink beach blanket (which I bought at the Gap).  I was applying my level 30 sun tan lotion until a tall slender Brazilian women's shadow blocked my rays.

"You can't wear that here!"  Her hands were on her hips.
"Excuse me?"
"You can not wear that here!  It's not allowed."

I was confused.  My pink two piece suit was much more appropriate than her skimpy little...   It was then that I noticed she was naked.  I had a naked Brazilian blocking my rays.  

"Where... where are your clothes?"
"This is a nudist beach Miss, you must be nude to be here."

I did a 360 and sure enough everyone from the swimmers to the old hairy fat man was indeed naked.  It all made sense.  The underpopulated beach, the "No Photography" sign, the reclusive secret beach wasn't secret - it was a nudist beach, right here in my city!

"You're going to have to either get nude or leave.  Sorry but that's the rules.  We have a lot of people who come hear just to look at naked  people.  You understand, right?"

I didn't make eye contact with her.  All I could do was stare at her nakedness and ask questions to myself.
        Why is she so slim?
        How did she get so tanned?
        I didn't know you could get a tattoo there.
I looked up and made eye contact.

"Yes I do understand.  Obliviously I was unaware of the nakedness policy.  Thank you for informing me."

I sat there dumbfounded until she said "So are you staying or going?"

I debated the notion of I, Suzy TooToo naked in public.
        Oh this is such a nice place.  How I do want to stay.
        It's not like I know anyone here.
        I would love to get a complete tan without those bathing suit marks.
        It is legal for a girl to be topless.
        I'll do it.
"I think I'll stay."

I reached behind and undid my top with my left hand, holding the front of the top with my right hand.  With the strap undone, my suit fell into my hand.  I paused as it pressed against my body, took a deep breath and dropped my top to the sand.  At first it felt weird but when the cool breeze passed me...  Wow!, pure bliss.  I smiled as I knew I had made the right decision.  Unfortunately the smile was not contagious as the Brazilian was still frowning.

"Thank you for letting me know the rule.  This is awesome!"
"This isn't a topless beach, it's a nudist beach.  You can't wear anything.  Everything must come off."
"Everything?"
"Yes, your bottoms will need to be removed if you wish to continue using this beach."
"Oh... no!"

Once again, I debated the notion of I, Suzy TooToo naked in public.
        Oh this is such a nice place.  How I do want to stay.
        It's not like I know anyone here.
        I would love to get a complete tan without those bathing suit marks.
        I'm already half naked.  What's one more piece of clothing?
        I'll do it.
"I think I'll stay."

Still sitting on my beach blanket, I slowly pulled down my bottoms past my knees.  I could not get them past my ankles so I had to stand up for the final undressing.  It felt weird at first until that breeze hit me, complimenting the sun beaming down on my white skin.

The girl left and I continued to apply sunscreen to my newly liberated body.  I went though the entire tube of lotion as I definitely did not want to get sunburnt.  I laid on my stomach and quickly fell asleep under the sun dreaming of a beautifully tanned me.  I awoke and turned over to get an equal tan on my front.  Again I fell asleep.

When I awoke again I felt like reading.  I reached into my bag and retrieved my book "Pink & Purple: the history of the true power colours".  Unfortunately the sun was directly in my eyes so I was unable to read.  I was going to retrieve my sun hat but was afraid the Brazilian would be after me again for "wearing" something.  I decided to move my headquarters to the shade of the birch trees at the entrance near the bushes.

I read the first chapter "Jesus wore pink sandals" while lying on my back, in silence.  As I began chapter two "Nero had a purple violin", I could hear some clicking in the bushes.  It sounded like a bird or a murder of crickets.  I sat up and looked into the bushes some 5-10 feet away - still hearing the noise.  Then I heard the sound of my worst fears - a giggle.  I stood up and ran to the bushes to find 5 teenagers (roughly 15 years of age) all with cameras pointed at me!

I gave a scream and covered myself with my hands as the boys ran from the bushes.  I took a moment to gather my composure but once I had gathered it, I acted swiftly.  Immediately I ran after the boys, leaving the sanctuary of my secret beach for the paved walking paths of the island.  Barefoot and naked did not enhance my speed as the boys were getting closer and closer to the ferry docks.  I stopped running as it was evident that I needed some better transportation.  A cyclist passed me and I instantly stuck out my arm, clotheslining him at the neck.  As he laid in the bushes stunned (it has yet to be determined if he was stunned seeing me naked or getting clotheslined), I picked up his bike and began to ride towards the ferry docks to intercept the boys.

I never knew riding a bike naked would A) be so hard and B) hurt so much.  Due to the pain, I had to bike standing up which was a good thing as it increased my speed.  The boys were about 500 metres from the ferry docks when I caught them.  I could hear the ferry conductor yell "Last call!"  I hopped off my stolen bike and let it hit the bunch of Peeping Toms like a bowling ball.  Three boys lied under the bike, injured.  I caught another boy as I ran beside him, tripping him into a tree.  

The last boy was the most cunning.  I tried to trip him as I caught up to him but he jumped over my foot every time.  The boy and I were neck and neck pushing each other, trying to knock the other off balance.  Finally I grabbed him by the back of the head and we ran off the path into the giant Ned Hanlan statue.  I managed to avoid the statue while being able to drive the boy's head into its base.  I took the camera from his unconscious body.

I grabbed the remainder of the cameras as the boys, one by one, came to their senses and began to cry.  Don't worry, they weren't crying due to pain - they were crying because they got caught.  The ferry workers ran over to me but once they saw the cameras, five teenagers and one naked gorgeous girl, they realized what had transpired and called the island police.  The captain returned from his radio with a life jacket and a towel for me to wear.

"Thank you sir.  If you don't mind I'm going to walk back to the beach and put my clothes on."

He agreed.  When I arrived at the beach, all of my fellow naked people were waiting for me.  I held up the 5 cameras, ran down the beach to the lake and dramatically threw the cameras into the water.  Everybody cheered.  Even the Brazilian girl cheered as she walked over to me.

"We've been trying to get rid of those kids forever but they kept finding ways to take photos.  They will never be back.  Thank you so much.  You are our hero."

As I put my clothes back on and attended to the cyclist, I was made an lifetime member of the Island Nudist Beach Club.