Taming of the Suzy
(July 31, 2005)

A phone call from Ham meant he wanted me for something.
"Suzy, how would you like to go to a Shakespeare play with me?"

An invitation from Ham meant something either really cheap or really expensive.
"How much?"
"For you... free."

"What's this?"  I thought to myself.  Ham the cheapie of all cheaps paying for my ticket?  And a Shakespeare play no less!  There must be a catch.

"What's playing?"
"Taming of the Shrew."

Hmm... this seemed reasonable.
"What's it about?"

"It's about an opinionated lady who has a man tame her to be argeeable."
Ahh, the catch.  Ham thinks I need an attitude adjustment!

"How dare you!  Do you think I am too dumb to see through your little scheme?  I am not a shrew!"
"Suzy, what are you talking about?  I simply invited you to a play.  There is no hidden meaning here."
"Are you sure?"
"For sure.  Honest.  Suzy, you know I know you very well.  I bet you were shaking your fist at the phone when you just ranted at me, didn't you?"
"Nevermind."
"See, I know you well enough that I know the great Suzy TooToo can never been tamed, can never change.  Besides you are fine the way you are."
"Which is?"
"Suzy, let's just go to the play."

The play was being housed in a giant tent along the waterfront.  It was entirely enclosed except for the backdrop.  The audience could watch the sailboats past by as they enjoyed the Bairds' poetry.  I hear it's quite the experience seeing a play in there.

We arrived early but Ham would not enter the tent.  He wanted to see the lake view from behind the tent.  As we followed the paved public path behind the enfenced tent, we came to a road block - literally.  A barricade was placed across the path with a sign reading "No entry past this point during performance".  Beside the forbidding barricade was a tall thin man sitting on a folding chair.  

Ham and I looked at each other, then motioned around the man - who then quickly stood up.

"Excuse me, if you don't mind going around the front.  There's a path that goes around."
We looked at each other.
"Actually we wanted to see behind.  That was the point of our walk."  I politely explained.

"Yes, it is a great view and it will still be here after the performance."  
He leaned towards us and whispered "You see, the actors don't like to be disturbed during the performance."

"But the play hasn't started yet."
"Yes I agree, but they are preparing.  You understand."
"I find it hard to believe two people back there for two minutes is going to matter.  Besides the actors are fenced in.  It's not like we are going to hound for autographs."

We graciously moved to the grass to avoid the man.  He graciously moved to the grass to deny us our route.
"True, but if I let all of you..."
"All, there's only two?"
"True, but if I let both of you by, then I must let everyone though."
"No you don't.  There's always room for the exception."
"Not here."
"Where?  On the path?"
"No, in Canada.  Everyone is treated equal in Canada.  There are no second class citizens in my Canada."

"What!  What you are talking about?  How does our desire to walk along path on the same level as Trudeau federalism?"  

I motioned forward.  The man crossed his thin lengthy arms like a security guard.  A different approach was needed.  I took a deep breath and politely whispered.

"Listen, you are right - we should not be back here but I'll let you in on a little secret.  We're reporters writing a story about the play."
"That's great.  We need all the publicity we can get.  The people need to know how great of a play this is."
"I agree.  All people of all classes."
"Exactly."

"Now in order for it to be a good story, the reporters (us) need to come away with a positive experience..."
"Oh you will." he interrupted.
"Well, that depends.  See all aspects of the experience need to be positive.  You understand?"
"Absolutely ma'am.  The set design is out-of-this world."
"Yes... set design."  

He wasn't understanding my roundabout nonmonatary bribe.  Time to be blunt.

"If we don't get to go back there, I'm afraid our story may not be positive."
"Don't worry.  The performances are amazing.  You'll love it."

That was it!  It was more than a battle of politely and informal dictatoring.  It was now me or him.  I was going to go backstage.

"Listen here you scoop d'poop.  We are going back there and there is nothing you can do."
"Please go to your seats.  The play is about to start.  You don't want to miss anything for your story."

"This is a public path and there is nothing you can do.  We are going to pass!"

"Okay, I'll tell you what I can do, I can give you complimentary tickets for tonight's performance."

Unfortunately I did not here his statement.  I was too busy reaching into my purse for my mace.  Fortunately, all I could find was silly-string.  The poor pencil neck didn't know what hit him.

"Oh, no!"  he screamed.

As the man rolled about on the grass screaming, Ham finally spoke for the first time since the confrontation began.

"Suzy!  No!  He was going to give us free tickets!"
"What are you talking about?"
"If you silly-string me, do I not cry?"
"Shut up.  Ham what are you talking about?"
"My friend told me that if you harass the gate keepers long enough, they have been instructed to give you free tickets to the play."

"You mean we didn't have tickets?  You brought me hear knowing I would make a fuss!  You used me!"

The cast ran from the path to assist their friend.  By the time the paramedics arrived the cast had throated my second silly string attack - this time on Ham.  After the ambulance took the poor Trudeau Nationalist to the hospital, Ham and I walked along a different path to the beach.  We could not see the performance as we had been banned for life.  As we watched the sailboats sail passed us, I spoke frankly.

"You used me!  After what you said on the phone you used me."
"On the phone, I said I would never try to change you, I never said I wouldn't play on your knack for confrontational misadventure.  All I did was invite you to a play.  You did the rest.  You are such a, a... scoop d'poop, as you would say."

Ham stared out into the lake as I searched through my purse for my silly-string.  I was going to give Ham the silly-stringing of a lifetime but wisely, the ambulance attendant had confiscated it.

"Boy, I bet that guy was right.  It probably is a great play.  After tonight, you could have learned something from it.  Taming of the Shrew.  How fitting that you got us tossed from Taming of the Shrew!  If you were alive in Shakespeare's lifetime, he would have called it Taming of the Suzy."

"You're wrong Ham.  If Shakespeare had known me, his female characters would have been cheerful, funny, and great.  Not the evil, bitter, gender-bending clueless hags that overpopulate his plays."

"And if he didn't... I would have silly-stringed him at least twice."